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Ladies, What’s The Best Gift To Give Your Wife?

2020.09.21 15:04 lesbian_couples_inst Ladies, What’s The Best Gift To Give Your Wife?

Ladies, What’s The Best Gift To Give Your Wife?

https://preview.redd.it/5nr9krzz1io51.jpg?width=400&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6843192ac0aa12b29f69d1832714500754162776
Even though you’re in a lesbian relationship, do you ever feel stumped about the best gift to give your partner? (People seem to think that women are born knowing how to pick the perfect present.)
Would you believe me if I told you I know the very best gift to give her? All without having to go to a store, shop online, or break the bank.
Want to know what it is?
Well, let me tell you…
The best gift to give your partner is a love letter.
Why a love letter?
As a lesbian couple, a vulnerable, descriptive love letter that you take the time to write from your heart will make you both feel deliciously close. And happy. It will infuse both you and your babe with those warm feelings of love, appreciation, and understanding.
And maybe even a bit of sizzle.
Sounds hot. Right?
Obviously there’s not a right way to write a love letter. But if your creative brain is frozen up with dreaded writer’s block, don’t worry. I’ve got you covered.
Let me help you get rolling with a love letter that your honey will want to keep in her underwear drawer. Forever.
She’ll be so glad she’s in a relationship with you!
Here’s an awesome blueprint for writing a love letter that rocks:
1. Start with: “I love you, _____________!”
Fill in the blank with your partner’s first name. (And then erase the line under her name!)
This is the very best way to begin your love letter.
That’s because our natural reaction is to have positive feelings when we hear our name used in a loving way. It’s much more meaningful to hear our name than, say, an endearing term when someone we care about says “I love you.”
2. Tell your partner why you’re so happy that you met her.
Take a verbal (written) stroll down memory lane and share a detailed snap-shot of the moment you first knew that you were falling in love with her.
Get really specific and descriptive:
  • Where were you?
  • What were you and she doing?
  • How were you feeling?
  • What exactly was it about your partner that made you fall in love with her?
3. Describe what you love about her today. Focus on the now.
You might tell her what you love about her style, her body, brain, and the particular way she laughs. And about the twinkle in her eye when she talks to you. Or her qualities, habits, and personality traits that you admire.
Don’t forget to mention what you love about her values, dreams, talents, and how she relates to family and friends. Oh, and be sure to let her know how she makes you feel.
4. Take a minute and dream about your future.
How do you see your future unfolding?
Write about what you envision the future of your lesbian relationship to be.
What dreams do you have for the two of you? What are you looking forward to? How do you wish things will be in 5, 10, 50 years?
5. Share something vulnerable.
Yep, take a risk!
Tell her something you’ve never said out loud to her. Open up about a private thought, memory, or experience that you’ve been keeping to yourself.
Keep in mind…vulnerability grows intimacy.
It would be great if you’d tell your partner “From now on I’m going to share my thoughts, feeling, and desires with you.” And start speaking your truth.
6. Stay vulnerable and tell your partner about your fears of losing her.
Finish this sentence (or paragraph)…
“I would be devastated if I lost you because…”
7. Express your gratitude.
Let her know what you’re grateful for.
What are 3 specific things that she’s done for you recently that you’re grateful for?
Tell her in detail about these things you appreciate. And let her know why you’re grateful.
8. Show support.
Let your partner know that you support her dreams. And that you’ll always have her back.
Be really specific about her dreams and passions. Let her know you’ve been listening. That way she’ll feel deeply understood and supported. Then watch her relax.
Feeling deeply understood by one another will help you grow a secure and happy relationship.
9. Commit to doing 3 things on a consistent basis to improve your relationship.
Write down 3 specific things you’re going to do to put your lesbian relationship first.
Will you talk more openly about your feelings? Are you going to plan date night twice a month? Promise to stop bringing up hard topics right before bed?
10. End your love letter with a bold declaration of your love!
Tell your partner that you’ll always protect her and your relationship. Both at home and out in the world.
You can make your love letter even more special by handwriting it on beautiful, high quality paper. Make it unique and beautiful. As this will be a letter that she’ll want to hold onto and treasure.
When you’re ready to give this love letter to your partner, ask her to sit with you because you have a special gift you want to give her. Sit in such a way that you’re facing one another.
Then gaze into your partners eyes for at least 30 seconds. Take out the love letter, and read it out loud to her. Read the letter slowly. And look into her eyes as much as you can.
Soak up the warmth, connection, and love that you’ve created in this moment.
Have fun!
Now you know what’s the best gift to give your partner.
If for some reason you feel too distant from your partner to be able to write a love letter, you may need to seek out some lesbian couples therapy.
I’m a highly qualified lesbian couples counselor in Denver and I can help you fall back in love.
Don’t worry, if you don’t live in Denver but you’re interested in working with me, check out my Lesbian Couples Retreat In Denver. I’m here when you need me and when you are ready.
submitted by lesbian_couples_inst to u/lesbian_couples_inst [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 00:36 Werevulvi Thank you

I hope this kinda post is okay to make. I think I count as at least somewhat questioning, considering my journey. It's been a little while since I was last active here. Some of you might remember me. This place gave me a lot of support when I needed it the most and felt alone with no community. I wanna thank you all for that, and tell a bit of what happened since. I felt detransitioning was genuinely what I wanted to do, as my new ability to connect to being female was, and still is, genuine. However, I've since realised that after 2 years of detransitioning... I'm still more comfortable as a trans man, after all. For the past 6-7 months I've been back to "presenting male" and I'm anticipating going back on testosterone. I'm looking forward to regaining what I lost from going off it, and I'm okay with the side effects that I know will occur. Some of which I can and will mitigate.
I'm still confused about what gender even means to me now after my detransition, as I'm still gender critical. I'll probably always be questioning my gender to some degree or another. I'm also still struggling with feeling shame for being so dysphoric that I can't make myself be happy as a woman, despite my best efforts. I really can't say I haven't tried at this point. Although I was happy as a trans man for 9 years prior to my detransition, so I'm not exactly surprised that detransitioning wasn't the right path for me in the long run. I couldn't leave behind how happy I am with looking as if I was male, but since my detransition, I now also can't leave behind how much my female sex actually matters to me. I now feel proud of my ability to create life, even if I'll never use it.
So I try now to somehow honour and love both those aspects of me. I guess it was when it hit me that "I can be a (proudly) female man" that things started making sense to me. I am a male-passing female who lives as a man and I think that can be beautiful. I've toyed with the nonbinary label, but it doesn't sit right with me. I feel much more comfortable taking back my former trans man identity. Even though I no longer hate my femaleness. It has more to do with additionally embracing my love for my artificial maleness. I'm starting to find pride in being, well... a woman LARPing as a man, as well as a man with a pussy. Not necessarily in a sexual way. It's just my body, and I'm allowed to love it in its half-way transitioned state. I don't wish to have any more surgeries.
I don't need for anyone to view me as a man, woman, or whatever. I prefer honesty. It matters more how I view myself, and how I best function in society. That I can come to peace with myself; not what it takes to get there. I don't need to rely on external validation anymore. I find my validation from within myself now.
My detransition taught me to value and appreciate what nature gave me. It taught me that I'm no less human for being female. That women aren't weak or fragile because of our sex. It taught me that my body never meant to harm me by just existing in its natural state. If anything, my body has been working hard, day and night, to keep me alive and safe. My body loves me. And finally, that my body isn't some meatbag I'm trapped inside of; my body is me. I think all of that and more changed my perspective dramatically, and I will take it with me as I resume my transition with a clearer mind and without self-hate. I hope my perspective is something that some of you can appreciate.
So despite resuming my FtM transition, I don't regret my detransition. Because I needed that experience to know how much looking like and living as a man matters to me, and also to learn that my female sex is not my enemy. My dysphoria is, if anything. But I can't beat it out of myself. And if I'm gonna live as dysphoric, I'd rather do that while transitioning. I also know that my experience does not necessarily reflect anyone else's. I wanna be as supportive to detransitioners as I reasonably can be, as my girlfriend is struggling to desist after realising she doesn't want to transition, and being supportive of her means a lot to me. I also don't think transitioning would be good for her personally, so I would never push for that, but ultimately I also don't wanna make any kinds of decisions for her. I let her know that I love her no matter what she identifies as or whatever she does with her body, because it's who she is as a person that I love. I also encourage her to embrace being a lesbian and openly lesbian, despite dating me, because I'm still a female and openly trans. Sometimes I worry that me just transitioning, despite my views, is hindering her.
With that said I still have some ties to detransition, and I might still lurk or comment here for that reason. As in, not just because I used to detransition myself, long enough for it to leave a permanent and very important mark in how I view myself, but also because I'm in a relationship with a detrans person. Although I'll probably not be particularly active here anymore. So I wanted to make this post as a big thank you for both the direct and indirect support I found here. I wish you all the best.
submitted by Werevulvi to detrans [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 13:38 DoekaanET What your smash main says about you:

Mario: You easily suffer from choice paralysis and always make the most boring and default choice. Your favorite ice cream is vanilla, your favorite color is blue, your favorite animal is dog, and your favorite movie is The Godfather. If you were in Nazi Germany, you would 100% use the “just following orders” defense. You will go to Hell when you die. Inkling: Why don’t you have a seat? What were you planning when you came here tonight? King Dedede: You masturbate to Deviantart ironically. Meta Knight: You masturbate to Deviantart unironically. Peach: You’re the girlfriend of the guy who bought this game. You thought Link’s name was Zelda and Samus’ name was Metroid. After 15 minutes, you’re gonna want to go back to playing Mario Kart. Daisy: The same as Peach, except you’re a lesbian. Bayonetta: You have said “Rawr XD” at some point in your life, and use Facebook to post memes about depression. It’s getting impossible to tell where your stretch marks end and your self-harm scars begin. You are bisexual. Wolf: You are either currently 14 years old, or you were 14 years old when Brawl came out, and haven’t matured at all beyond that. You watch way too much anime, you’ll never improve as an artist, and your OTP sucks Corrin: You unironically own multiple anime figurines, a body pillow of your waifu, and a katana. You’re either a furry or have a shitty OC that’s half dragon, half demon, and half vampire. You either have autism or are just an oblivious asshole with no social skills, it’s hard to tell. Squirtle: You bought the Switch and this game on launch day. You threw a tantrum when Fox stopped showing Saturday morning cartoons. Your mom wishes you’d move out of the house. Ivysaur: You’ve got weird arm and back acne. You like to pretend you main all three of the Pokemon, but everyone can see right through you. You love cute animals, but if you ever tried to take care of one by yourself, it’d die in a week. Charizard: You are a basic ass bitch. You spent the first 5 matches spamming smash attacks and your side B. You’re the only one on this list who has gotten laid recently, but it doesn’t matter because you lasted a minute. Donkey Kong: You actually hate playing Smash, and everyone playing with you. You don’t play to win, you play to inspire the greatest amount of anger around you. You cannot go 48 hours without saying the N word. Hard R. Jigglypuff: You were born incomplete. Some piece of you is missing. Maybe it’s the part of your brain that dictates rational choice, or the part that controls empathy. Maybe it’s your impulse control. Maybe, just maybe, you were born without a soul. You started small, at first. Mice and squirrels, and then you grew bolder. Your neighbor’s cat had gotten outside. She would never find the poor thing. Your parents soon discovered what you did, and their punishments forced you to keep dormant your dark desires. You carried on with your life, feigning normalcy, a model student and son. That was until the day you met her. It was autumn, your first semester at college, your first time away from home. She stirred something in you. You took her out, flirted with her, bought her drinks, she was so pure and sweet, so trusting. You left with her, the intoxication swelling inside you both. She tripped, you caught her. You looked at her then. She was so beautiful, so alive. You cut her open. You cut her open because you had to know. Why was she so beautiful? How was she so alive? You cut and cut until she was no longer beautiful, no longer alive. You stared at what you had done, tears in your eyes, not from guilt or remorse, only the pure reflex, as though you knew you should cry, but didn’t understand why. When you came back down to a neutral calm, you disposed of the body, washed yourself of any and all evidence. You knew the first thing you needed to do was establish an alibi. You called up your roommate: “Hey” you said “Wanna hang out tonight?” Your roommate replied “Sure, my friend brought over his Switch, we’re gonna play Smash Ultimate.” You smiled, licking the final traces of viscera from your teeth, and said “Great, I’ll be there in 10.” Kirby: You are Masahiro Sakurai, desperately trying to convince everybody that your favorite boy is best. Put Mappy in the game you fucking cunt. Lucina: You are the comedic straightman of your group. You go through life with two moods, neutrality or exasperation at your louder, more fun friends. Your spirit animal is Squidward and, like Squidward, you are the top sad boy. At least your cats love you. Chrom: You’re the mouthbreathing kind of weeb. You have objectively bad taste. You either want Goku and Sora in Smash, or you want the entire roster replaced with other characters from Fire Emblem. Little Mac: You have a 2 digit IQ, and managing air combat is too much for you. You have eaten at least three Joycons since you started playing Smash. Your go-to excuses for losing are bad recovery moves and the helmet you’re forced to wear falling in front of your eyes. Robin: You have LARPed before. Ironically, considering the game your main comes from, your best friend is a Chrom main. You honestly can do better than hanging out with them, but then you’d have to find a new 4th for your D&D group. Sonic: You’re just a sad person. Either because you’ve got the specific kind of autism that develops in fans of Sonic the Hedgehog, or because you’ll inevitably be lumped in with those people. You know deep down the speed isn’t worth the pain you feel inside. You ask yourself why you keep playing, but you can never come to an answer. You can’t outrun your problems, Sonic main. Pichu: You didn’t know that your attacks did damage to you until someone pointed it out to you, and you didn’t want to look like an idiot, so you pretended like you knew that. In a panic, you came up with some lie about how Pichu is actually really good, and now you’re just sorta stuck with it. Pikachu: You are the boyfriend of a Peach main. You don’t actually like playing Pikachu that much, it’s just that whenever she gets bored playing, she’ll just sit and watch you play, but demand you play as Pikachu because “it’s so cute.” Even when you’re playing with your friends, and you really want to win, you curse yourself and choose Pikachu. Ness: You love Earthbound. You have also never played Earthbound, you just know it by reputation. You also love Undertale, and you probably voted it as game of the year when it came out. You like to think you’re really skilled at Ness, but when things get too hard, you just spam PK Fire and the baseball bat. You’re not impressing anyone. Fox: You played Smash Ultimate for 5 minutes, saw all the items and stages, got mad, and went back to Melee. You’re currently waiting for the Project M version of Ultimate. You get the saltiest out of everyone on the list. You have told someone who doesn’t like Dark Souls to git gud. Duck Hunt: You’re like a Donkey Kong main without the hate, or a Jigglypuff main without the urge to kill. When the Duck Hunt dog laughs at someone for not shooting all the ducks, you feel that on spiritual level. You are probably the happiest person on this list, which makes other people angry, and in turn, only makes you happier. Zelda: You secretly crossdress and are ashamed of it. Within 5 years, you’ll gradually become more and more comfortable with it, until you eventually become a really obnoxious drag queen. Like, the kind that only watches Ru Paul’s Drag Race and nothing else. Regardless, you spam Din’s Fire like a motherfucker, just like everyone else who plays Zelda. Link: You’re boring and suck ass. You play as Oddjob in Goldeneye and use the rocket launcher in Halo. There’s a good chance you’re the least skilled player on the list and don’t even know it. Your favorite skin is the Dark Link skin, because of course it fucking is. R.O.B: You have a video game collection that’s about the cost of a mortgage. You have at least 6 or 7 Game Gears, a fully functional arcade cabinet, and a R.O.B which you brag about whenever you play Smash with new people. If you could have one wish, it would be to work for Nintendo. Snake: You think gamers are the most oppressed minority, and the reason for why Quiet from MGSV is half-naked makes total sense and is genius writing. You respond to news stories about black criminals with something racist, and then cite average IQ scores to defend yourself. If there’s a comment section attached to this list, you’ll leave an angry comment about being called racist. Bowser: You’re a divorced dad in your 40s who bought a Switch to try to win your son’s affections for when he comes over on alternating weekends. You picked Bowser because you thought it would be cute to do Team Smash with him as Bowser and Bowser Jr., but whenever your kid comes over, he only ever plays something called Fortnite. You tried it out, and it was too scary and confusing, so now you just drink and play Smash because at least you recognize the characters. Your ex’s new husband is a better and more attentive lover than you ever will be. Mewtwo: Unlocking Mewtwo in Melee by spending a total of 20 hours in VS matches was the greatest accomplishment of your sad, pathetic life. Conversely, Mewtwo being replaced by Lucario in Brawl was the worst tragedy you have ever experienced. You got the Smash 4 DLC just to bring some meaning back into your life. Out of all the Pokemon mains, you are the only one who is still an avid Pokemon player. You are the most likely person on this list to kill yourself. Ike: You totally go to the gym all the time and drink all those protein shakes. For reals though this faggot is a slow faggot who couldn’t air recover if his life depended on it. Honest to god you might as well just admit your a fagot who just wants to pretend he’s Guts so you can make your peepee big. Or better yet you circlejerk on smashbros about how much Sakurai is biased. Captain Falcon: Loudest player on the list. Will scream Captain Falcon quotes and be one of the most frequent taunters. Is retarded, but only for attention. If anyone in the list is drunk right now, it’s you. If you get a KO with Falcon Punch, you will never shut the fuck up about it. Incineroar: You’re 10. You only picked this character because you picked Litten in Pokemon Sun or Moon. You only picked Litten because it was the Fire starter and you thought Fire was cooler than Grass or Water. Even you think it’s dumb that one of Incineroar’s special moves is a counter. You will either pick a different main or lose all of your friends. Simon: You are roughly 40 years old and racist. Not as racist as the Snake main, but still racist. The “deus vult” kind of racist. Despite this, you have a thing for Asian chicks. You have thought about joining the military at some point. You have unironically used the term “alpha” to describe yourself. Lucario: 75% chance you’re a furry. 20% chance you were a Mewtwo main in Melee and had to make do with Lucario in Brawl. 5% chance you’re really holding out for Goku to be in Smash, and play Lucario because he plays closest to how you imagine Goku would play. Ridley: You are an incredible piece of shit. Now that Ridley is in Smash, the new top characters on your wishlist are Master Hand and Master Chief. You don’t care about balance or thematic consistency, winning or losing, you are simply here to disrupt. You quit the game whenever you’re about to lose. Mr. Game and Watch: Shut the fuck up. You don’t main Mr. Game and Watch. Nobody mains Mr. Game and Watch. You spam B and then do side B whenever somebody gets too close. You first learned about the Game and Watch from Melee just like the rest of us. You’re not special. You’re NOTHING. Pit: You mained him in Brawl back when he was OP, and since he’s been nerfed, all you do is sit in the corner, spamming projectiles and the occasional side B when somebody gets too close. If the match has more than two players, you will guaranteed be the first to die. Wario: The most graceful winner on the list, which is faint praise, because they’re among the saddest in real life. They know they’re pathetic though, and that’s why they don’t get angry about losing. Will either kill themselves one day or die of a heart attack by age 50. Lucas: Even moreso than Ness mains, lies about playing the Mother games. Will do nothing but PK Freeze and PK Thunder. Will never, ever win, and will only ever cost you a victory. If they do manage to win, you’ve either found the top 1% of Smash players, or you’ve started the apocalypse. Ice Climbers: Like Duck Hunt mains, except you aren’t trying to troll anyone intentionally. You will forget how annoying your specials can be right up until after you’ve hit someone with them. Nobody is happy when you win, and you are definitely the least happy out of everyone. You just want everyone to get along. Don’t be such a damn pussy, pussy, you a damn pussy. Villager: You suck ass, but you’re the only one who doesn’t know it. You think Villager is better than he actually is, and you overemphasize how creepy he looks. You are the kind of person who thinks button mashing is a strategy, and that having having no strategy counts as “mind games.” You like creepypastas way too much. Mega Man: You are the least likely person on the list to have had sex, which is good because there’s a 50% chance you’re into little boys. You are also the person on the list who has played an NES game most recently. You complain about the number of characters with swords in the game, but it’s secretly because any decent player who mains one can beat you easily. Will sing along to the theme music whenever on the Wily’s Castle stage. Samus: You are the only one on the list who actively wants all items on. You alternate between spamming your charge shot, and spamming your grab. If you’re good, you will always get first. If not, you will always die first and bitch about it. Nobody knows who invited you over, but everyone secretly wishes you weren’t here. Dark Samus: You mained Samus and always picked her dark suit skin before Ultimate. Not even you asked for this character to be in Smash, and even you couldn’t really explain how they’re different from Dark Samus. When you tell someone you play Smash and they ask who your main is, you forget Dark Samus exists for a minute before telling them. Yoshi: There’s a 50% chance you are an actual child. If you’re not a child, then you either only play Smash for fun, or you are the best player on the list. Either way, it makes you among the saddest people on the list. You’re a good sport for the entire game, right up until you win by spitting them out as an egg right on the edge of the map. Wii Fit Trainer: You’re not actually good at Smash, you’re just good at improvising. You’re playing the game on the fly and just so happen to be lucking out every time you use the volley ball. There is a bone in your brain that compels you to yell “SALUTE THE SUN!” at least once per game. You definitely want to fuck the Wii Fit Trainer. Luigi: You are a down-to-earth, lovable loser who thinks Mario is too normal or obvious a choice. You legitimately find Luigi’s moves and animations to be funny and probably still laugh at Adam Sandler movies. Whenever you win a game, you take forever to press start just because you want to watch his victory pose for as long as possible. If you ever win with the kick taunt, then everybody you know literally hates you. Sheik: You are on both the LGBT and autism spectrums. You also have a Tumblr account. You met all of your friends online and have never talked to them in real life. You are unable to talk and play at the same time. You are probably really good at the game, but are still a sore loser, and will likely be the first to rage quit. Dr. Mario: You are a hipster that only picked Dr. Mario becomes nobody mains him. You pretend like you’ve always mained him, even though you used to main Link, and thought “why the fuck is Dr. Mario a character” when you saw him in Melee, just like the rest of us. You think it’s really cool that his side smash has lightning coming out of his hand but will never admit it. Richter: You embody all the negative traits of a Simon main, except you’re half as old and not OPENLY racist. Instead, you’re just really into metal and think you’re way more badass than you actually are. You own a Punisher t-shirt and have taken a picture of yourself posing with an assault rifle. You have the smallest dick out of everyone on the list. Diddy Kong: Your play style is the strategic equivalent of an infant slapping at a control. You will use the same move over an over again until it stops being effective, at which point you simply move onto a new one. You are the worst person to lose to. You will wake up one day realizing everybody hates you and not know why. This. This is why. Cloud: You only picked Cloud because you were excited to see him get added to Smash. You also will freely admit that fact with no shame whatsoever. You are the Chrom main’s only other friend besides the Robin main. You both bond over your love of anime boys and desire for Sora to be playable in Smash. You are easily the gayest player on the list. Mii Fighters: Either you’re playing as your actual Mii, in which case you have the lowest functioning level of autism on the list and are taking the game seriously, or you’re playing as a joke Mii, in which case you are guaranteed to have a fun time. It doesn’t matter either way, because you’ve never won a single game of Smash in your entire life. Roy: You’re like the Marth main, except you were also the kind of kid who had serious anger issues and screamed swear words at people in class when you were mad. You picked Roy over Marth because his special moves had fire. If Snake were playable in Melee, you would’ve picked him as your main. Olimar: You are the only person on the list who has ever played one of the Pikmin games all the way through. You are an eldritch abomination whose schemes and machinations are unknowable by man. You are the only one boring enough to pay attention to damage types. The ultimate irony of your playstyle is that you will die alone. Greninja: You are also 10. Your best friend is the Incineroar main, at least for now. If you don’t currently watch Naruto, you’re going to get way too into it very soon. You will make excuses and get salty every time you get hit, but you will brag and act like you’re the ultimate chessmaster every time you land a hit. You insist on playing with Final Smashes and no other items. Dark Pit: You’re right in the middle of a venn diagram between Ike main and Greninja main. You’re 13 years old. Everything you do and think is cool right now, you will look back on with embarrassment when in 5 years time. Unless you have actual autism, in which case you’ll never have a moment of self-realization. Instead, you’ll make really bad fan art of your favorite video game and cartoon characters. Ignorance is bliss. Toon Link: You are only the tiniest bit better than the Link main, and yet inexplicably aren’t nearly as hated as them. Lying comes as easily to you as breathing, and you do so without any semblance of guilt. You have a career in politics, Palutena: You pick your main in every game based on waifu status, and your playstyle is finding one combo you like and spamming it repeatedly. You play Skyrim with a mod that lets you play as a big-titted anime lady. You say you prefer subtitled anime to English dubs, but you actually don’t. Your taste in music is shit. Ryu: You’re insecure about playing a kid’s game and refuse to play as any characters that are cartoony, female, or a prettyboy. You won’t ever actually buy a Switch, because Nintendo is for babies, but you’ll still play it with your bros, because you’re the guy who calls people “bro.” You’re only playing as Ryu until they put in Goku or Master Chief. Ken: You’re confused about your sexuality and compensate for it by making overtly sexual statements and calling them jokes. You probably shit talk the most out of everyone else playing. You go to the gym just so you can talk about going to the gym. Bowser Jr. You’re one of the biggest Nintendo fanboys on the list, and got really excited when you saw that all of the other skins for Bowser Jr. were the Koopalings. You pretend like you know all of their names, but there’s always 1 or 2 that you keep forgetting. You can see what they look like in your mind but you can’t remember their name. You know they were all named after different musicians, but that doesn’t help you remember their names, because you know even less about the musicians than you do the characters, because the only thing you’re really knowledgeable about is pointless minutia about video games, and even now you’re proving how little impact that knowledge has on your life. If Nintendo did an NES Classic type deal for the N64 or the Gamecube, you would pay thousands of dollars for them, even though you’ve already got both consoles. Isabelle: You’re a mom that doesn’t actually play video games, you’re just doing this because your kid wanted somebody to play with. You picked the dog because she was cute. You’re either accidentally too good at the game, kick your kid’s ass, and make them cry, or you suck so hard that you’re actually less fun to fight against than the CPU. In 3 years, your kid will have moved on to FPS’ and you’ll look back on Smash with a mix of nostalgia and sadness, because your kid doesn’t want to play with you any more. You read James Patterson books, love win, and masturbate in the shower. Rosalina & Luma: You play the piano, harvest bull semen, or do something else outside of video games that requires two hands. You’re also big into RTS games. Something about controlling legions of forces, sending hundreds to their deaths, having so much power at your disposal awakens something deep inside of you. Even you leave off the “& Luma” part when talking about the character. Young Link: You are the token girl of a group of guys. Every single one of them wants to fuck you because you’re an average-looking girl who likes video games. You will be oblivious to all of it, and date some guy outside of your friend group. Half of them will start to resent you. All of them will be waiting for the opportunity to catch you at a vulnerable moment and have a one night stand with you. It will inevitably happen. It will be with the least shit guy of the group (which isn’t saying much) and ruin most of your interpersonal relationships. You also spend way too much money at conventions. Ganondorf: You are also the token girl of a group of guys, but you’re also a fat, butch lesbian. You try way too hard to be one of the guys, chug beers even though everybody else is drinking like normal, and you very blatantly burp and fart. You will continue to act like this into your 40s at which point your hair will be gray and permanently styled in a faux hawk. Despite all this, you will have the hottest wife out of everyone on this list. Zero Suit Samus: You picked her so you could play as her two-piece skin and masturbate with the screen paused, didn’t you? King K. Rool: You were the kind of kid who ate paste and would always demand first choice of characters because it was your birthday. You use the most OP options in any game but will say that something is unfair when it beats you. The only reason we’re letting you play with us is because mom says have to, and you’ll tell on us if we don’t. Shulk: You have an annoying voice. You don’t eat gluten, even though you don’t have any food allergies. You think all FPS games are stupid except for Overwatch. You use Tumblr slang in real life and have to ship every fictional character you come across. You’ve cried more recently than anyone else on the list, and you literally can’t even right now. Falco: You’re like a Fox main with less autism. In some ways, however, you are much worse than them. When you aren’t using Falco’s blaster to make enemies flinch, you’re telling women to kill themselves on the Internet. You are the guy who goes to the bar to go after women with low self-esteem. You definitely yell the N word during heated gaming moments. Pac-Man: You are the antithesis of the Mario main, and the type of person who always want to have new “experiences.” You will date a teenager and defend it to your friends by saying “age is just a number.” You also cheat on your partners and then act like you were the victim because you were “suffocating” by being expected to be monogamous. Your favorite food is some weird kind of pizza or burger that’s named after an Arcade Fire song and only available at a local restaurant whose name is a pun. Piranha Plant: Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Joker: You decided you would main this character before you ever played them because you love JRPGs so much. You say “u mad bro?” to annoy people even though you have the worst anger management of anyone on the list. You unironically liked the game “Hatred” and will switch to Doomguy if he gets put in Smash. Random: You’re pretty cool.
submitted by DoekaanET to copypasta [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 16:54 suturefancy Looking for advice for telling a girl I like her

Update: SHE SAID SHE LIKES ME BACK AND IM GOING TO EXPLODE
Friends, help!
I’ve been stressing out about a crush that’s developed on a friend of mine recently, but I decided today that it’s best to just tell her about it rather than sit on it and feel awkward. Either way it turns out, I’ll be proud to have said something!
So, we have plans to hang out this weekend, but haven’t specified what we’ll be doing. I’m going to try to bring up that I like her toward the end of our time together, maybe just before she leaves or on the drive home, so that either way we don’t have to sit awkwardly for a while if things are weird, and we can both have an out and time to ourselves after. The specific advice I’m looking for is, what should we do when we hang out?
Some ideas we’ve talked about are jamming, going on a hike, or watching a movie. We both love music, but the thought of jamming with her makes me a little anxious so I’m pretty much ruling that out. There’s a specific movie we had in mind that we both like (we’re both pretty into film), and my roommate would be around so it would maybe feel less like a date (though he’s super respectful and knows the situation so he would give us time alone at the end so I could talk to her). A hike would be nice too, and we’d probably get to talk more, but that might also be more pressure.
Honestly I think I’d rather watch the movie, but my concern is that if we have a glass of wine and watch a movie at my place, it may feel like a date, especially if I tell her at the end that I like her. I don’t want her to feel like she was on a date and didn’t know it, you know? I want to bring it up as casually as I can that I like her, and with no pressure or expectation on her. Would the context of having just spent a couple hours sitting on a couch and sipping wine make that feel a little awkward or like I was taking advantage in some way? What are your thoughts?
For context, we’ve only started hanging out recently, and always in groups, so this would be the first time just the two of us hung out. Also, I feel like part of my nervousness about the circumstances around telling her stem from the fear of falling into that shitty “predatory lesbian” trope. So idk, maybe this is all in my head anyway and I don't need to sweat it. Thought the perspective of some other sapphic ladies would be helpful. What do you think?
Thanks!
submitted by suturefancy to actuallesbians [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 21:30 cscqsim_repostbot A /r/cscareerquestions College Survival Guide

A /cscareerquestions College Survival Guide

With our final school year beginning, we were reflecting on how lost and confused we were when we first started university. We made a lot of mistakes (still am) along the way, but we’re in a much better place after learning from them and constantly putting ourselves out there. In hopes of shining some light and helping others, we decided to make a comprehensive guide for university students – based on our knowledge/experiences - on how to start your successful CS Career (or gain the wisdom to avoid CS altogether, more on this later).
rishiss Background: I am a 4th year student at UC Irvine majoring in Software Engineering. I am an incoming Software Engineer at a F100 company (received return offer after interning this summer). Before that, I interned at an R & D center for space, a small cloud company, and a small IT company. I have a 3.65 GPA, won a few awards at startup competitions/hackathons, and remain pretty active in my schools CS organizations.
chaitu65c Background: I’m a 4th year student at UC Irvine majoring in Computer Science. I’m currently a SWE Intern at a Unicorn and just wrapped up my 2nd internship at a Live Streaming Company(you can most likely tell who they are if you browse my history LOL). Before this, I interned at my school’s IT department, did research under a professor, and worked on a few small startups that other UCI students were building. I have a 3.3 GPA, won some awards along rishiss and was pretty active in my school’s CS clubs.
Disclaimer: “But rishiss/ and chaitu65c, you don’t work at a Big N, go to a target CS school, why should I take your advice?” You’re absolutely right; we are, by no means, ‘up there’ like some other folks on this sub. And, you don’t have to take our advice! Simply close this tab and do whatever else you want 😊. Our intent is to guide and prepare uni students for a CS career they enjoy, not work at Big N or get the highest TC. Life is much more than a dick-measuring contest, and the earlier you learn that the better.
We have also created a guide with our own personal advice/stories

Please, take this advice with a grain of salt. we’re not Tony Robinson or Tim Apple, we’re just two random reddit users.

Table of Contents:

This guide is divided into the following sections:

Is CS Right For Me?

The way we see it, there’s 3 types of people pursuing CS.
  1. Those who know CS isn’t for them – They’re in it for the money, to appease their parents, for a minorequirement, some external factor. They hated programming while taking the introductory CS course and just try to get done with their class/degree ASAP.
Advice: The majority of people who fall under this usually burn out quickly, as they aren’t motivated enough to learn the material and to apply themselves. This usually leads to them cheating and getting kicked out of their major, minor, or university altogether. Even if you manage to earn a degree, we've seen a large number of these folks endure a 'pre-mature' mid-life crisis or simply get fired from their jobs. Before you even start this major, you should definitely understand that this isn’t going to be easy, and you do have to put in a lot of effort to succeed. If this isn’t your cup of tea, definitely look into switching into another major you like.
Some folks are really passionate about technology, but don't want to pursue an entire Computer Science major or see themselves as Software Engineers. That's completely ok! Try looking into related majors or minors. We know many students who switched from CS to majors like Informatics, Business Information Management, and Economics and are thriving in tech-related roles like Data Analytics, Product Management, UI/UX Design, and Technical Recruiting. CS is not (and should not be) for everyone, and there is no shame in having the wisdom quit and move on.
  1. Those who don’t know if CS is for them – Where most of the CS community is IMO. These folks (like me, rishiss) are riddled with something called Imposter Syndrome: “the constant feeling of not being good enough or knowing enough to do your job well.”
Advice: For students, really take the time to learn and be open to anything you go through. Try sticking it out until you've taken a Data Structures course, one of the harder, more important courses out there. If you're not understanding the material or just aren't having fun with it, it’s definitely ok to switch majors/careers. Otherwise, CS just might be the career for you! Give it your best shot!
Admittedly, it's hard to provide stronger insight to overcoming Imposter Syndrome, as I am afflicted by it as well. For me, my IS derives from constantly comparing myself to others and confusing inexperience with incompetency. As such, I continue to work and focus on myself and take baby steps towards smaller goals I set out for myself. Knowing that I've put the effort to improve myself by just 1% everyday has made me a lot more confident.
  1. Those who know for a fact CS is for them – The diamonds in the rough. Learning and practicing CS material gives them a euphoric high.
Advice: Broaden your scope and learn new areas of CS! Who knows, you might find another new field that you really want to work in. Other than that, definitely make new friends regardless of whether they’re a CS major or not. Even try pursuing other hobbies like weightlifting, reading, dancing, or even public speaking. Don't limit yourself!

Freshman Year

We recommend not taking more than 3-4 classes in your first quartesemester, as you shouold keep an ample amount of time to go to professional/social events, make new friends and hang out with them, and pursue your interests.
We've seen a lot of freshmen (and upperclassmen) CS folks get cooped up in their dorm rooms playing video games and watching TV. We understand that these two are a passion for many, but please be cautious to not get consumed by them.
You have the privilege of pursuing higher education, making valuable connections/memories, and setting up your CS career in the trajectory you want. This year is the best year to take advantage of all that university has to offer; make the most of it.
One of the best ways to get involved in your school’s/region’s CS community is by joining clubs like ACM and WICS and participating in hackathons (see ‘Hackathon’ section below). Try pursuing internships and positions in these organizations and events as well!
One, major issue we see with freshmen (even upperclassmen) is their ignorance on all the avenues available in the CS Industry. So we’ve tried to narrow it down (not exhaustive).
  1. Cyber Security Engineer
  2. Front-End Web Developer
  3. Backend Web Developer
  4. UI/UX Designer
  5. DevOps/Cloud/Site-Reliability Engineers
  6. Mobile Engineer
  7. QA Engineer
  8. Product Manager
  9. Data Scientist (Machine Learning/AI)
  10. Embedded Software Engineer
  11. Systems Administrator
  12. Database Administrator (The Wizards)
  13. Networking Engineer
  14. Hardware Engineer
  15. OS Developer
  16. Video Game Developer
  17. Solutions Architect/Sales EngineeTechnical Account Manager
As a freshman, definitely take the time and see if you can picture yourself doing any of the listed fields. You should open yourself to all facets of CS and not just the “hot field” like Data Science and Machine Learning. Choosing a field because it’s “exciting” will usually lead to bad results as usually, other people are thinking just like you and will lead to over-saturation.
Our recommendation is to select the top 5 fields that have piqued your interest and experiment with the field. For example, if you are interested in Mobile App Development, try learning how to build an Android app from the ground up. A simple weather app or alarm clock is completely suitable for a first project/prototype. This lets you understand what skills you would need for this field and can serve as a forecast as to what your career would look like.
You should definitely look for an internship. Ignore the people that tell you to wait until you’re a junior, as it’s going to be very hard to get an internship if you don’t have any experience. Common places that most students don’t realize are available are usually IT departments at your school and even research with professors. Researching is highly recommended as you can definitely learn more about a field you can be interested in and if you’re interested in graduate school, that’s going to be a letter of recommendation that you can ask for.
If you’re considered a minority in Computer Science, look into first and second year internship programs as they’re meant to help you succeed. Here’s some programs that come to mind:
Google STEP
Microsoft Explore
Amazon Future Engineer
Uber STARInternhip
Facebook University
Another way to get internships is to research into smaller companies in your area. If the company is very small (<100 employees), consider reaching out to the CEO on LinkedIn. They might be able to help you! Also, take advantage of university recruiting websites like Handshake to see companies that directly hire from your school. More info on how to get an internship in the ‘Searching for an Internship’ section.

Sophomore Year

Now that you have basic programming knowledge, create your own website or GitHub account and start contributing to them with small personal projects. Nobody expects you to make a full-stack MERN project hosted and scaled on AWS at this stage. Focus instead on clean code, learning a framework or two on a language you like, and creating a small, robust feature. Grow from there!
If you weren’t able to find an internship/research opportunity as a freshman, community involvement, projects, and hackathons become especially important, as they are a great way to make you stand out on your resume and to recruiters when you reapply. As you brush up on your skills, apply again, and try your luck out.

Data Structures and Algorithms

In addition, you are most likely to take a Data Structures and Algorithms course this year. Make sure you are focusing on this class and writing good notes; you will need this knowledge when interviewing for internships and full-time jobs in the near future. Here is a link to our DS and A course (in C++) for reference

Junior Year

As a junior, companies are more willing to hire you for an internship, as they are likely to convert you into a full-time employee after graduating. This transition process is much easier than interviewing, and they'll usually offer you a higher compensation package if they want to convert you to a full-time employee. As you now should have knowledge of Data Structures and Algorithms, we highly recommend looking into coding interview prep sites like LeetCode and HackerRank or purchasing a prep book like CTCI or EPI (advanced).
Continue to attend hackathons, remain active in clubs/organizations, and grow your portfolio.
Classes will be much harder; expect the time for completing projects to double and the content covered to be much more difficult. We recommend taking no more than 2-3 upper-division CS courses and balancing your load with 1-2 GE classes. You should not be taking more than 16 units (assuming 4 units per course).
Start to get an idea of what field in CS you would like to pursue. Research what it takes to be successful in that field. You can do so by looking up job postings with that title on LinkedIn and looking at the requested skill set or take a look at Roadmap.sh. If you want to learn more about a related skill set and your school doesn't offer a course, consider picking up a class on udemy.com.

Senior Year

Focus heavily on your senior capstone, project classes, etc. as they're the last thing you can put on your resume before applying for full time. By now, you should have at least 3 polished, working projects on your GitHub that you can easily talk about with your recruiter. Preferably, they're aligned with the CS field you wish to enter.
If you were able to get a return offer from an internship, congrats! However, don’t immediately sign the offer. Once you have an offer, you should still try to interview at companies that you’re interested in by the deadline of the time to accept the offer. A good way of doing this is to reach out to a University recruiter for that company and explain the deadline you have. Usually, they’re really helpful and can potentially help skip interviews that you were supposed to do!
In addition, if your friends were able to intern at places you’re interested in, definitely ask for a referral or to send your resume to their recruiter. This usually reduces the risk of being ghosted by that company and increases your chances of getting hired!
Once you finally sign, definitely take the time to relax and enjoy. Just make sure you pass your classes and stay out of trouble

Classes:

What Classes should I take?

Should Already be Required:

Must Take:

Good to Have

How do I succeed in these classes?

rishiss: You’re more than likely coughing up hundreds, if not thousands, to attend university. It makes no sense to not take full advantage of the course and course staff.
The way I take notes: I learn from examples; I want to enter my code into the IDE to see what happens. I do a three way split; Google Docs on the left, IDE on top right and terminal (to compile, see output, make new file, etc) on bottom left. I note down the date and topic of the lecture and write questions I have in the comments on Docs. I make sure to highlight important information and possible test questions. I even share the link with friends!

In the quarters where I followed the steps above, I never got a grade lower than an A-.

Dealing with Bad Professors

During your time in college, you’re likely going to have at least one bad professor that might make it worse if you have to go to class. If that’s the case, it’s definitely fine to not go to class (as long as it’s not mandatory). However, if you do decide not to go, you must make sure you learn the material, so you won’t be behind on the coursework and studying for tests. In addition, you should be doing something productive on the side. If you don’t go to class and spend the time watching Netflix or playing video games, you’re losing time that you can spend on something that might be fun and can help you in the long run.

You can take Graduate Courses!?

chaitu65c: A highly underutilized set of courses you can take would be graduate courses. Graduate courses are usually very specialized in certain fields. If you were able to take all the undergraduate courses you wanted and still have spare classes to fill out, I'd recommend researching into taking Graduate courses! They’re a good way to build out your specialization and learn new, cool stuff! In addition, if you’re looking for classes to reach the required number of CS courses needed, your CS department might allow you to make the course count towards your degree!

Projects

They're super important.

How do I succeed in class projects?

Personal Projects and your CS Career

rishiss: Projects are your saving grace, especially if you are lacking work experience. They show technical aptitude, willingness to take initiative, and leadership. I’ve seen people with only projects on their resume get positions at the Big N. Projects are good ways to expand your knowledge of CS as the possibilities are endless! It is best to have a variety of projects dealing with a variety of technologies. As such, you can open yourself up to more positions and have more talking points during the interview.
I tend to edit the ‘Project’ Section of my resume with relevant projects and technologies. For instance, if I made a full stack web application and applied to a DevOps organization, I would highlight my AWS, CI/CD, and Terraform experiences more than my React/Node js work.
It is recommend the project is about something that motivates you and are passionate about e.g. video games, movies, books, sports, etc., as it is very easy to give up half way due to stress or lack of motivation/interest.
Like anything else in Computer Science, projects require you to break it down into smaller pieces. Start with the end in mind and draw out the intended architecture/functionalities. Start with what you know and research on the parts you don't know after that. You will be using these skills often in industry for any project/feature planning.
Spending 15-30 minutes a day is all you need to make a successful personal project. Don't make excuses and get coding!

Open Source Contributions

If you’ve ever noticed popular github repositories such as torvalds/linux, these are repositories where people from all over the world can report issues with it and someone can fix it. If you are able to make a contribution to a huge open source repository, it looks really good on your resume.

Hackathons

What are Hackathons?

Hackathons are large scale coding events, where students from around the area come together and collaborate - usually in teams of 4 (but you can go solo or with a partner!) - to build some software. Companies like Amazon, Northrop Grumman, Google, and Twilio sponsor awards related to best use of their technology. After 24 - 48 hours of intensive coding, participants submit their projects, whether it be an Android video game, Chrome Extension, productivity web app, etc. Submissions are shared with the companies and other hackathon organizers, where they select the best projects and award teams with swag like keyboards, gift cards, and even summer internships at their company.
Participating in hackathons are one of the best ways to hone your coding skills, network with companies and other students, and get free comfy T-shirts. It is also one of the best ways to gain industry knowledge, as representatives from these companies and hackathon organizers create numerous workshops and answer any questions you may have. Winning awards at these hackathons are also great resume boosters and talking points during interviews.
The biggest hackathon organizer is Major League Hacking. Visit their website, and you can see all the hackathons (remote or local) they are partnered with. Make to be on the lookout for application release dates from the hackathons and apply early.
With Covid, you may miss out on the free goodies and the in-person networking with students and professionals. However, most hackathons are accepting many more applicants due to it being virtual/remote this year.

What Should I Do At Hacakathons?

Take advantage of the resources available at hackathons. You’re attending a mini CS conference and should be, besides coding, networking with professionals, learning about the different companies, attending workshops, asking technical/non-technical questions to mentors, and getting as much free shit as you can get. Besides T-Shirts, companies give out vouchers to their services, applications to their internship and full-time positions, pillows, notebooks, water bottles, sweaters, and even backpacks.
If you’re looking to get an award, judges at hackathons care a lot about the pitch and the idea rather than the actual execution of the idea. Having an idea beforehand is also helpful, so you can spend your time focusing on the MVP.

Friends and Networking

chaitu65c: I think it’s definitely useful if you have two different friend groups: One dedicated to career and Non-Career Group.
Career Group - When making a friend group dedicated to career, try to be the dumbest person in the group, you’re definitely going to learn a lot from them as you soak up knowledge! Best ways of meeting friends who are career-driven can be through major specific orientation (actually how I met rishiss), courses, major related clubs, etc.
Non-Career Group - While having a group that motivates you for your career is important, it’s also important to have another friend group that can help you relax and to enjoy your time! A really good way to find these friend groups can be anywhere from your hall to General Education courses, social clubs like Circle K, fraternities/ sororities(if that’s your cup of tea) and others!
This is what has worked for us; no need to follow this exact format.

Resume

rishiss: Here are the few take-aways on writing a resume that gets through the ATS.

Searching for Internships

Searching for internships in CS is really different and harder from searching for internships in other professions. CS internship interview processes are often longer and much more technical on what you have learned as a CS major. We've prepped 2-3 months beforehand on CS concepts, whiteboarding, etc.

Timeline

This timeline primarily focuses on large, non-government/defense companies or competitive startups. This also assume you are applying for a summer internship.
August - September: Applications are opened to the public. Make sure to look out for positions and apply early, as most companies admit students on a rolling basis. A site that we used often is Apply.fyi. After applying, you may receive an automated (< 48 hours) invitation to complete an Online Assessment, consisting of multiple choice and/or coding questions about Data Structures, Algorithms, and Run Time Complexity. You will have usually 1-2 weeks to complete the assessment. Please that you may be rejected if you are not able to pass 90% of the questions on the assessment: Please also note that you may be instantly rejected due to things out of your control like years of experience, cancellation of internship, internal corporate issues, and more. Don't take rejections too seriously; just keep applying!
October - November: After passing the resume screen and the OA, you will be contacted by the company's recruiter for a phone screen. During the screen, you will probably be asked a few confirmation questions about your resume, sponsorship, years of experience with X, etc. and minor behavioral questions like what made you apply for this position, what are you pursuing outside of class, etc. You may also receive questions about your CS fundamentals e.g. what is a hashtable, whats the difference between a process and a thread, what is the runtime complexity of sorting a string, etc. As long as you're cool and confident (and not cringe/edgy), this part should be a breeze.
November - Mid January: If you made it through the two Thanos snaps, you will be invited to an onsite “Power-Day,” where interviewees attend 2-4 whiteboard interviews while being grilled on their technical skills and projects. Some companies make applicants go through a panel interview, where a team of 2-5 Software Engineers grill you on technical questions and your resume. You are often pampered with free travel, food, stipends, etc.
December - February: If you were deemed a good fit by the hiring committee, you will be extended an offer to intern at the company during the upcoming summer for 10-12 weeks. Remember, nothing is final until you receive an offer letter in your inbox. Some companies may also place you on a wait-list and offer you a spot if someone were to reject their offer letter.
For government orgs, defense companies, and smaller organizations, the recruiting season starts in February/March and usually ends in April and May. After applying online and passing the resume screen, you will usually be immediately pushed to an on-site interview. Most likely, you will be interviewing with your future boss/co-worker.
Please note that internships are not only offered in the summer, they are provided in the Fall, Winter, and Spring (rare) as well. The competition for these internships is usually lower, and the process usually starts 3-4 months beforehand.

How to get the Interview

Besides following resume tips, make sure to apply to as many places as you can. To get our first internships, we recall applying to approximately 250-300 places before we secured our internship plans for that summer. Also, if you do get ghosted, don’t take it personally, usually, university recruiters often spend so much time reviewing a lot of applications.
Other precautions to take to get noticed are to try attending career fairs if you can, you might be able to get an interview(worst case, free swag!). Other than that, try reaching out to upperclassmen or friends you know that interned and ask for referrals. It’s one of the best ways to get noticed!

What to expect

As part of the interview process, there’s 4 types of interviews that you should make sure you know.
Behavioral Interview: These interviews ask you questions about culture fit such as “Why are you a good candidate” and “Tell me about a time when you ...”
Coding/Technical Interview: These interviews ask you questions similar to what you see on Leetcode and Hackerrank. These interviews are designed to test your Data Structures and Algorithms knowledge.
System Design: System Design involves the interviewer testing your building to design a service/software and test your knowledge of understanding what things to use for the task and how you will integrate them together. You’re definitely not expected to know this and it’s not likely you’re gonna get asked this. Places that could ask you this are Unicorns, Trading Companies and Hedge Funds, and Big Established Companies.
Concurrency/Low Level Interviews: If the company’s biggest product involves low level principles such as networking principles and kernel stuff, there’s a possibility you can get asked this. Places that come to mind are hardware companies and trading firms.
Some companies may adopt only one of these interviews and some may adopt all.

How to Ace the Interview

It’s highly recommended that you look up the interview experiences that other students have faced so that you can potentially filter out companies with red flags and know what questions to expect. Common sources to search up on this would be Reddit (csMajors and cscareerquestions), Jumpstart (Relatively new portal for students), Glassdoor and maybe Blind (Aside from the toxic TC or GTFO culture, they do give good advice on interviews). With that said, here’s some advice we have when you approach each kind of interview we’ve seen.

Advice on Behavioral Interviews

Use the STAR method when describing your experiences. Being quantifiable with the impact of your actions will impress the interviewer.

Advice on Technical Interviews

Begin by reviewing your notes from the Data Structures and Algorithms class. Do not proceed further until you know how to implement these DS and As from scratch with the language of your choice(If you do know python, it’s recommended as there’s a lot of builtin features!). After doing so, we highly recommend a book like CTCI and EPI to gain a review on programming language details and your DS and As. Then, visit sites like LeetCode to practice real questions from major companies. A Facebook Engineer completed 600 LC problems and compiled the most important ones into a list here. During the interview, make sure to talk out loud about possible approaches and tradeoffs before whiteboarding. It is perfectly acceptable (often recommended) to ask the interviewer to ask questions about the problem and get clarification. Once you have an idea in mind and have talked about it with your interviewer, begin whiteboarding. While you talk about the final idea you want to use, write out pseudo code and comments about all the steps you need to implement in order to finish coding your solution. After that, start coding. Make sure to have proper function headers, syntax, spacing, classes/structs, imports, etc. After coding your solution, give a brief explanation and attempt to make it run with less space and in less time (if your solution is not as efficient as you think it can be).

Advice on System Design

These are somewhat hard to approach if you don’t have experience ever doing it. If you do have experience designing and building services in your spare time and as part of your work experience, definitely rely on your experience. An important thing is to definitely ask clarifying questions. There might be hidden requirements you didn’t think about that could drastically change the way you approach the solution.

Advice on Concurrency/Low level

Understand basic principles such as Processes vs Threads (A lot of people don’t know the difference!)TCP vs UDP and how to make an application thread safe. Other than that, it’s recommended that you familiarize yourself with basic OS concepts such as Deadlocks, locks that you can utilize to make an application thread safe, etc.

Searching for Full Time Jobs:

The big bucks.
The process for finding a Full-Time Job is usually very similar to finding an Internship. There’s three main differences are:
  1. Harder Questions. Ex: Google usually asks Leetcode Mediums to Hards + the special Leetcode Hard question that Google asks it’s applicants (they create a new one every year).
  2. More Rounds of Interviewing: For example, Microsoft makes interns do 2 rounds while New Grads do 4 rounds during the onsite part of the process.
  3. Compensation: Interns usually get an hourly rate and, possibly, a housing stipend. New grads, however, are given a yearly salary and, possibly, a sign-on bonus, stocks, and benefits e.g. health insurance, vacation days, etc.
The process for finding a Full-time Job won’t really change as much as finding an internship, but keep in mind that the bar is higher. This is probably the biggest reason why you should look into interning early; by getting an offer at the place you like, you don’t need to go through the daunting process of finding a full-time role.
Get as many offers as you can this time around, so you can negotiate and select the position, company, compensation, and location that works best for you.

Negotiation

Negotiation is a really powerful tool that you can use in the interview process, even as an intern. There’s a lot of guides to negotiation and we recommend Nick Singh’s guide (Look at his LinkedIn and newsletters) for more.

Final Thoughts

University is a probably the most important time of your life and a foundational block of your CS Career. Like any foundation, it must be sturdy and takes a tremendous amount and energy of time to develop. Take advantage of all the resources (like this one) you can get your hands on. Definitely learn from the mistakes people have made and make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
‘Stay hungry. Stay foolish’ - Steve Jobs
Original
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2020.09.17 20:57 candymackd Confessed to my best friend that I like her, and she doesn’t like me back — how do I move forward?

Need to vent somewhere because I don’t really want to tell anyone in my life about this.
Long story short, I met my co-worker’s sister last year, we’ll call her Meg. Meg and I, both being lesbians in a group of mostly straight people, immediately clicked. And being feminine lesbians too, even more so—we understood each other. At the time, we were both in relationships and I saw her as a friend, but there was easy conversation and friendship chemistry from the start and we had an ungodly amount of similar interests.
Time went on, and we naturally started inviting each other to more things with each other’s friend groups like D&D and movie nights. She even made an effort to really get to know my friends and integrated herself within our D&D community. My relationship had also fallen apart during all this, and I felt safer getting close to her emotionally because I was single. My friends started to hint that she was into me just by the sheer number of things she would come to... she also had a long distance relationship with a girlfriend in Scotland, and it seemed like that was fizzling.
Well about four months ago things started to ramp up and we began texting everyday—little things at first, like memes and words of encouragement, then bigger things like watching each other’s shows and updating each other with thoughts on the episodes as we watched them at night. I began to notice I was developing a massive crush, as I looked forward to reading her thoughts and witty jokes everyday, as well as her thoughts on my character ships and her own.
Fast forward to now: Meg ended things with her LDR Scottish girlfriend about two months ago. So we’ve been texting like usual, when out of the blue she confessed that she thought my lesbian friend Kim (someone in the friend group on the periphery, but who doesn’t go to a lot of stuff) is cute, and she wants to ask her on a date. Kim and I happen to hang out one-on-one a lot outside of group dynamics and are very good friends, and Meg knows this. Kim and I are like sisters and often get teased for being each other’s lesbian twins because we dress and look alike, which makes this hurt all the more.
I waited until the next day to answer Meg’s texts back, then did the unthinkable: I asked if she could call me, and I confessed over the phone that I had developed feelings for her. I told her that I couldn’t just sit back and not say anything, but that I would let her think about it before answering how she felt about all of it. I told her she could still pursue Kim and try me out too if she wanted, and attempted to sound casual about it all (y’all I had it so bad!!) She didn’t really say much on this call, except for a lot of “ohs” and “yes, we click really well” so I kept it brief, unlike most of our chats.
She got back to me later that night and said she loved me dearly as a friend, but doesn’t see me that way and would hate to ruin our “really important friendship” if something went wrong. Reader, when I tell you I was crushed, I was CRUSHED. My emotions felt like I was in middle school all over again.
This really threw me, but I’m allowing myself to feel a bit hurt and lead on right now. I said I absolutely understood and also valued our friendship, but that I had to pull back in texting her for a bit because it was too much emotionally. She was very sweet about it and said she totally understood and we could resume texting when I was ready. I don’t think I want to resume texting tbh, it’s day 4 and I miss talking to her so much, but I also recognize that this situation isn’t good for me at all so this needs to happen & it’s good for me to pull back. But it still stings like hell.
Has anyone ever been through a similar thing? How did you deal and move on?
TL;DR—My lesbian best friend who I’ve been texting every day and getting close to for the past four months (Meg) confessed that she likes my good friend (Kim) and not me. Ouch
submitted by candymackd to Friendzone [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 14:11 Silouana Struggling with ptsd of past (F36) life experience, triggered by husbands (M45) behavior early in our marriage after a short engagement, trying everything to move on.

These days people meet online and that's how we met. I was against online dating because of it's unnatural feel and I certainly wasn't going to date long distance but here I am two years later married to my Soulmate I believe. We're both Christian and in recovery. I moved to be with him on the Eastcoast after knowing eachother a little on social media for years through Christian forums and dating for a few months but the first time I spoke with him for 3 hours, I got a soft knowing God had made someone amazing and that I wished he were closer because I'd marry him. He and I met in real life and I began to question why I was metting only women. He had been traveling for a year on and off for two years to Monasteries and Churches all across Europe. It's a novel to explain our connection and circumstances. The point is I came up for a week to meet him and because there were so many female friends, asking him to coffee to catch up, one staying (28?) with her boyfriend with him at a house sitting gig, one he helped with her Alcoholism via meeting online, one a (27?)yr old lesbian from a prior job, one who wanted him to come stay with her at an Air B&B for New Years, three BFF F. I inquired about these relationships and discussed my boundaries. My boundaries are that since we were an item we should hang on to important people in our lives but let go of some aquatances and not get coffee to catch up with people of the opposite sex unless they were core people in our lives. At that rate he would've been catching up with a lot of women friends and what's next after coffee, dinner and a movie? All the women I mentioned earlier were core friends so no worries but no Air B&B with your girlfriend! I also said we may not work if he feels different than me about this. He agreed to not make anymore friends that are women, get phone numbers of women in recovery or women and not stay the night with women friends except when visiting his few best friends. He agreed to let me know when he helped that lady w recovery. He agreed! Four months after our blessed wedding and many miracles he got a new job with disorganized leadership, working closely with a new hire (21F) who he said had innapropriate boundarues with men. Three weeks into his new job he was texting her and it looked lengthy. No explanation when I asked why so lengthy. I was shocked he was texting her at all. The next day I was hurt so he offered to show me and he had been reaching out to her about 3- x a wk about light personal stuff and wirk but she offered him a ride to work! He cycles and we had one car at the time. He and I fought he said I was wrong and crazy that this friendship was okay because it was a coworker. What I did next was wrong but I looked at his messenger on FB and Instagram to find tge "friends" he was meeting were young women and untill 3am abd dinner etc. While in Europe and tons of females saying hi! Reaching out to girlfriends forgetting to mention me but mentioning other landmark life events not the marriage. He has 900 friends set to private 2/3 F. He was friending every woman in town, PM'ing them in recovery and co-volenteers etc....helping women PM with recovery. He had a couple women he had talked to online, like me on a regular basis and this Woman I knew about he was dating in Greece but it didn't work out and he never offered these details until later. I felt devistated. He's not been on facebook after to much fighting. He understands he says (some of it) was innapropriate. He was telling girlfriends about me and how crazy I am and how I did things I did not do. Small exaggeration. Still. Idk. It's been therapy, medication, spiritual counseling etc. and I am just working on not being an a$$£#/* ...because I was. Whatever I did in anger was equally terrible. Today I still don't understand. He says he forgot about our conversations. He said he didn't understand. This bothers me more than the actions. I am working hard to be okay with me.
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2020.09.17 12:48 HayleyHayley6 Finally on the way to living my best life!

Hey all,
I’ve been reading all your stories for about a year, thinking I would never get to post my own success story and feeling like I would just be on the sidelines forever. I married a man 3 years ago, we have been together 5. I’ve been an out bisexual for years and before my husband I was with a women. But it didn’t work out. With my husband I was happy and in love at first but as time went on I started to feel that it wasn’t what I wanted and that something was missing. I’ve been very unhappy for about a year. I struggled to understand if I was unhappy due to not having a great relationship (we argued a lot, he expected me to do all his cooking and cleaning, held money over me and could be manipulative and very insensitive) or if it was because i might be lesbian and not bi. In the end I think it was both that was making me unhappy. I would sit and daydream about having my own house and cuddling up with a girlfriend on the couch watching films and drinking tea. Anyway, last week we had another stupid argument about nothing but this time I stood my ground and ended it. It was very sad at first and we spent the first day just crying. But each day it’s got better and I feel stronger and happier and more excited about my new life! We are going to try to be friends as we have dogs together and I still need to live with him for a few months until he can buy me out of the house. But the end is in sight! Hopefully this time next year I will be settled in my own wee house and hopefully on the dating scene and feeling more confident and happy in myself and my sexuality. I’ve told most of my friends and family and they have all been really supportive so I feel very very lucky!
I just wanted to tell you my story but also say thank you to this group. Reading all your stories really helped me through a bad time and it gave me the confidence to go after my own happiness. To anyone in the same position and feeling like there’s no out and that they are stuck, it gets better!! Do what is right for you, put your happiness first. It’s better for everyone in the long run!
Edited to add - I found deleting all social media helped me make my decision and stick to it. If you have any concerns about what that lassie you went to school with 20 years ago is going to say about the breakdown of your marriage I recommend doing the same! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You do you!
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2020.09.17 08:20 Mandi806 You’d think since Alex started bringing Daddy Gang on the show, she’d have ENDLESS content...but lol I’m bored

So I’m like everyone else, I haven’t listened to an episode since Miley Cyrus. Why? Because I know they’re all gonna be the same...a random ass influencer that no one knows, and her and Alex talking about flying across the country to hook up with guys from Riya and professional athletes. Yall, I think Alex has disconnected from the “relatable” world. She’s an influencer now, that’s all she can relate to. But to normal people, we don’t give a shit. Why pick influencers, when she could literally make normal people into influencers with her show!?!? If she’s gonna pick people that no one knows, then why not pick a diverse group of daddy gang members (ie. NOT INFLUENCERS BUT NORMAL EVERYDAY PEOPLE) I think she’s scared that normal people won’t have interesting stories...but I’m sitting here like “bitch i could make a more interesting podcast and I’m a 23 y/o from Kansas” lol don’t sleep on me. I’ve done some crazy ass shit. I wanna hear about people’s nightmare tinder dates, sketchy Grindr orgies, and sugar daddies with weird crazy fetishes, etc. I wanna hear different sex tips and experiences/perspectives from poc’s,straight dudes, gay dudes, lesbians, transgenders, people from different religious backgrounds, etc. Like dude come on...theres millions of people listening to CHD and writing in, and YOURE TELLING ME THAT THESE INFLUENCERS (which are all the same) ARE THE MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE TO BRING ON THE SHOW? no...I’m sorry, I don’t think this is anything close to the best of the DaddyGang. I swear the best people are the normal everyday people that have the craziest stories sneaking into VIP at music festivals, having random orgies in night club bathrooms, accidentally blacking out at a Chicago nightclub two days before New Years and getting your purse/ID stolen while you’re being dragged out by the bouncer, or finding a sugar daddy that want to come over to your sorority and pay you and all your sisters to laugh at him while he humiliates himself (yes these last two actually happened)
But seriously, it might just be me, but those are the Call Her Daddy episodes that I wanna hear.
submitted by Mandi806 to CallHerDaddy [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 06:53 rishiss A /r/cscareerquestions College Survival Guide

A /cscareerquestions College Survival Guide

With our final school year beginning, we were reflecting on how lost and confused we were when we first started university. We made a lot of mistakes (still am) along the way, but we’re in a much better place after learning from them and constantly putting ourselves out there. In hopes of shining some light and helping others, we decided to make a comprehensive guide for university students – based on our knowledge/experiences - on how to start your successful CS Career (or gain the wisdom to avoid CS altogether, more on this later).
rishiss Background: I am a 4th year student at UC Irvine majoring in Software Engineering. I am an incoming Software Engineer at a F100 company (received return offer after interning this summer). Before that, I interned at an R & D center for space, a small cloud company, and a small IT company. I have a 3.65 GPA, won a few awards at startup competitions/hackathons, and remain pretty active in my schools CS organizations.
chaitu65c Background: I’m a 4th year student at UC Irvine majoring in Computer Science. I’m currently a SWE Intern at a Unicorn and just wrapped up my 2nd internship at a Live Streaming Company(you can most likely tell who they are if you browse my history LOL). Before this, I interned at my school’s IT department, did research under a professor, and worked on a few small startups that other UCI students were building. I have a 3.3 GPA, won some awards along rishiss and was pretty active in my school’s CS clubs.
Disclaimer: “But rishiss/ and chaitu65c, you don’t work at a Big N, go to a target CS school, why should I take your advice?” You’re absolutely right; we are, by no means, ‘up there’ like some other folks on this sub. And, you don’t have to take our advice! Simply close this tab and do whatever else you want 😊. Our intent is to guide and prepare uni students for a CS career they enjoy, not work at Big N or get the highest TC. Life is much more than a dick-measuring contest, and the earlier you learn that the better.
We have also created a guide with our own personal advice/stories

Please, take this advice with a grain of salt. we’re not Tony Robinson or Tim Apple, we’re just two random reddit users.

Table of Contents:

This guide is divided into the following sections:

Is CS Right For Me?

The way we see it, there’s 3 types of people pursuing CS.
  1. Those who know CS isn’t for them – They’re in it for the money, to appease their parents, for a minorequirement, some external factor. They hated programming while taking the introductory CS course and just try to get done with their class/degree ASAP.
Advice: The majority of people who fall under this usually burn out quickly, as they aren’t motivated enough to learn the material and to apply themselves. This usually leads to them cheating and getting kicked out of their major, minor, or university altogether. Even if you manage to earn a degree, we've seen a large number of these folks endure a 'pre-mature' mid-life crisis or simply get fired from their jobs. Before you even start this major, you should definitely understand that this isn’t going to be easy, and you do have to put in a lot of effort to succeed. If this isn’t your cup of tea, definitely look into switching into another major you like.
Some folks are really passionate about technology, but don't want to pursue an entire Computer Science major or see themselves as Software Engineers. That's completely ok! Try looking into related majors or minors. We know many students who switched from CS to majors like Informatics, Business Information Management, and Economics and are thriving in tech-related roles like Data Analytics, Product Management, UI/UX Design, and Technical Recruiting. CS is not (and should not be) for everyone, and there is no shame in having the wisdom quit and move on.
  1. Those who don’t know if CS is for them – Where most of the CS community is IMO. These folks (like me, rishiss) are riddled with something called Imposter Syndrome: “the constant feeling of not being good enough or knowing enough to do your job well.”
Advice: For students, really take the time to learn and be open to anything you go through. Try sticking it out until you've taken a Data Structures course, one of the harder, more important courses out there. If you're not understanding the material or just aren't having fun with it, it’s definitely ok to switch majors/careers. Otherwise, CS just might be the career for you! Give it your best shot!
Admittedly, it's hard to provide stronger insight to overcoming Imposter Syndrome, as I am afflicted by it as well. For me, my IS derives from constantly comparing myself to others and confusing inexperience with incompetency. As such, I continue to work and focus on myself and take baby steps towards smaller goals I set out for myself. Knowing that I've put the effort to improve myself by just 1% everyday has made me a lot more confident.
  1. Those who know for a fact CS is for them – The diamonds in the rough. Learning and practicing CS material gives them a euphoric high.
Advice: Broaden your scope and learn new areas of CS! Who knows, you might find another new field that you really want to work in. Other than that, definitely make new friends regardless of whether they’re a CS major or not. Even try pursuing other hobbies like weightlifting, reading, dancing, or even public speaking. Don't limit yourself!

Freshman Year

We recommend not taking more than 3-4 classes in your first quartesemester, as you shouold keep an ample amount of time to go to professional/social events, make new friends and hang out with them, and pursue your interests.
We've seen a lot of freshmen (and upperclassmen) CS folks get cooped up in their dorm rooms playing video games and watching TV. We understand that these two are a passion for many, but please be cautious to not get consumed by them.
You have the privilege of pursuing higher education, making valuable connections/memories, and setting up your CS career in the trajectory you want. This year is the best year to take advantage of all that university has to offer; make the most of it.
One of the best ways to get involved in your school’s/region’s CS community is by joining clubs like ACM and WICS and participating in hackathons (see ‘Hackathon’ section below). Try pursuing internships and positions in these organizations and events as well!
One, major issue we see with freshmen (even upperclassmen) is their ignorance on all the avenues available in the CS Industry. So we’ve tried to narrow it down (not exhaustive).
  1. Cyber Security Engineer
  2. Front-End Web Developer
  3. Backend Web Developer
  4. UI/UX Designer
  5. DevOps/Cloud/Site-Reliability Engineers
  6. Mobile Engineer
  7. QA Engineer
  8. Product Manager
  9. Data Scientist (Machine Learning/AI)
  10. Embedded Software Engineer
  11. Systems Administrator
  12. Database Administrator (The Wizards)
  13. Networking Engineer
  14. Hardware Engineer
  15. OS Developer
  16. Video Game Developer
  17. Solutions Architect/Sales EngineeTechnical Account Manager
As a freshman, definitely take the time and see if you can picture yourself doing any of the listed fields. You should open yourself to all facets of CS and not just the “hot field” like Data Science and Machine Learning. Choosing a field because it’s “exciting” will usually lead to bad results as usually, other people are thinking just like you and will lead to over-saturation.
Our recommendation is to select the top 5 fields that have piqued your interest and experiment with the field. For example, if you are interested in Mobile App Development, try learning how to build an Android app from the ground up. A simple weather app or alarm clock is completely suitable for a first project/prototype. This lets you understand what skills you would need for this field and can serve as a forecast as to what your career would look like.
You should definitely look for an internship. Ignore the people that tell you to wait until you’re a junior, as it’s going to be very hard to get an internship if you don’t have any experience. Common places that most students don’t realize are available are usually IT departments at your school and even research with professors. Researching is highly recommended as you can definitely learn more about a field you can be interested in and if you’re interested in graduate school, that’s going to be a letter of recommendation that you can ask for.
If you’re considered a minority in Computer Science, look into first and second year internship programs as they’re meant to help you succeed. Here’s some programs that come to mind:
Google STEP
Microsoft Explore
Amazon Future Engineer
Uber STARInternhip
Facebook University
Another way to get internships is to research into smaller companies in your area. If the company is very small (<100 employees), consider reaching out to the CEO on LinkedIn. They might be able to help you! Also, take advantage of university recruiting websites like Handshake to see companies that directly hire from your school. More info on how to get an internship in the ‘Searching for an Internship’ section.

Sophomore Year

Now that you have basic programming knowledge, create your own website or GitHub account and start contributing to them with small personal projects. Nobody expects you to make a full-stack MERN project hosted and scaled on AWS at this stage. Focus instead on clean code, learning a framework or two on a language you like, and creating a small, robust feature. Grow from there!
If you weren’t able to find an internship/research opportunity as a freshman, community involvement, projects, and hackathons become especially important, as they are a great way to make you stand out on your resume and to recruiters when you reapply. As you brush up on your skills, apply again, and try your luck out.

Data Structures and Algorithms

In addition, you are most likely to take a Data Structures and Algorithms course this year. Make sure you are focusing on this class and writing good notes; you will need this knowledge when interviewing for internships and full-time jobs in the near future. Here is a link to our DS and A course (in C++) for reference

Junior Year

As a junior, companies are more willing to hire you for an internship, as they are likely to convert you into a full-time employee after graduating. This transition process is much easier than interviewing, and they'll usually offer you a higher compensation package if they want to convert you to a full-time employee. As you now should have knowledge of Data Structures and Algorithms, we highly recommend looking into coding interview prep sites like LeetCode and HackerRank or purchasing a prep book like CTCI or EPI (advanced).
Continue to attend hackathons, remain active in clubs/organizations, and grow your portfolio.
Classes will be much harder; expect the time for completing projects to double and the content covered to be much more difficult. We recommend taking no more than 2-3 upper-division CS courses and balancing your load with 1-2 GE classes. You should not be taking more than 16 units (assuming 4 units per course).
Start to get an idea of what field in CS you would like to pursue. Research what it takes to be successful in that field. You can do so by looking up job postings with that title on LinkedIn and looking at the requested skill set or take a look at Roadmap.sh. If you want to learn more about a related skill set and your school doesn't offer a course, consider picking up a class on udemy.com.

Senior Year

Focus heavily on your senior capstone, project classes, etc. as they're the last thing you can put on your resume before applying for full time. By now, you should have at least 3 polished, working projects on your GitHub that you can easily talk about with your recruiter. Preferably, they're aligned with the CS field you wish to enter.
If you were able to get a return offer from an internship, congrats! However, don’t immediately sign the offer. Once you have an offer, you should still try to interview at companies that you’re interested in by the deadline of the time to accept the offer. A good way of doing this is to reach out to a University recruiter for that company and explain the deadline you have. Usually, they’re really helpful and can potentially help skip interviews that you were supposed to do!
In addition, if your friends were able to intern at places you’re interested in, definitely ask for a referral or to send your resume to their recruiter. This usually reduces the risk of being ghosted by that company and increases your chances of getting hired!
Once you finally sign, definitely take the time to relax and enjoy. Just make sure you pass your classes and stay out of trouble

Classes:

What Classes should I take?

Should Already be Required:

Must Take:

Good to Have

How do I succeed in these classes?

rishiss: You’re more than likely coughing up hundreds, if not thousands, to attend university. It makes no sense to not take full advantage of the course and course staff.
The way I take notes: I learn from examples; I want to enter my code into the IDE to see what happens. I do a three way split; Google Docs on the left, IDE on top right and terminal (to compile, see output, make new file, etc) on bottom left. I note down the date and topic of the lecture and write questions I have in the comments on Docs. I make sure to highlight important information and possible test questions. I even share the link with friends!

In the quarters where I followed the steps above, I never got a grade lower than an A-.

Dealing with Bad Professors

During your time in college, you’re likely going to have at least one bad professor that might make it worse if you have to go to class. If that’s the case, it’s definitely fine to not go to class (as long as it’s not mandatory). However, if you do decide not to go, you must make sure you learn the material, so you won’t be behind on the coursework and studying for tests. In addition, you should be doing something productive on the side. If you don’t go to class and spend the time watching Netflix or playing video games, you’re losing time that you can spend on something that might be fun and can help you in the long run.

You can take Graduate Courses!?

chaitu65c: A highly underutilized set of courses you can take would be graduate courses. Graduate courses are usually very specialized in certain fields. If you were able to take all the undergraduate courses you wanted and still have spare classes to fill out, I'd recommend researching into taking Graduate courses! They’re a good way to build out your specialization and learn new, cool stuff! In addition, if you’re looking for classes to reach the required number of CS courses needed, your CS department might allow you to make the course count towards your degree!

Projects

They're super important.

How do I succeed in class projects?

Personal Projects and your CS Career

rishiss: Projects are your saving grace, especially if you are lacking work experience. They show technical aptitude, willingness to take initiative, and leadership. I’ve seen people with only projects on their resume get positions at the Big N. Projects are good ways to expand your knowledge of CS as the possibilities are endless! It is best to have a variety of projects dealing with a variety of technologies. As such, you can open yourself up to more positions and have more talking points during the interview.
I tend to edit the ‘Project’ Section of my resume with relevant projects and technologies. For instance, if I made a full stack web application and applied to a DevOps organization, I would highlight my AWS, CI/CD, and Terraform experiences more than my React/Node js work.
It is recommend the project is about something that motivates you and are passionate about e.g. video games, movies, books, sports, etc., as it is very easy to give up half way due to stress or lack of motivation/interest.
Like anything else in Computer Science, projects require you to break it down into smaller pieces. Start with the end in mind and draw out the intended architecture/functionalities. Start with what you know and research on the parts you don't know after that. You will be using these skills often in industry for any project/feature planning.
Spending 15-30 minutes a day is all you need to make a successful personal project. Don't make excuses and get coding!

Open Source Contributions

If you’ve ever noticed popular github repositories such as torvalds/linux, these are repositories where people from all over the world can report issues with it and someone can fix it. If you are able to make a contribution to a huge open source repository, it looks really good on your resume.

Hackathons

What are Hackathons?

Hackathons are large scale coding events, where students from around the area come together and collaborate - usually in teams of 4 (but you can go solo or with a partner!) - to build some software. Companies like Amazon, Northrop Grumman, Google, and Twilio sponsor awards related to best use of their technology. After 24 - 48 hours of intensive coding, participants submit their projects, whether it be an Android video game, Chrome Extension, productivity web app, etc. Submissions are shared with the companies and other hackathon organizers, where they select the best projects and award teams with swag like keyboards, gift cards, and even summer internships at their company.
Participating in hackathons are one of the best ways to hone your coding skills, network with companies and other students, and get free comfy T-shirts. It is also one of the best ways to gain industry knowledge, as representatives from these companies and hackathon organizers create numerous workshops and answer any questions you may have. Winning awards at these hackathons are also great resume boosters and talking points during interviews.
The biggest hackathon organizer is Major League Hacking. Visit their website, and you can see all the hackathons (remote or local) they are partnered with. Make to be on the lookout for application release dates from the hackathons and apply early.
With Covid, you may miss out on the free goodies and the in-person networking with students and professionals. However, most hackathons are accepting many more applicants due to it being virtual/remote this year.

What Should I Do At Hacakathons?

Take advantage of the resources available at hackathons. You’re attending a mini CS conference and should be, besides coding, networking with professionals, learning about the different companies, attending workshops, asking technical/non-technical questions to mentors, and getting as much free shit as you can get. Besides T-Shirts, companies give out vouchers to their services, applications to their internship and full-time positions, pillows, notebooks, water bottles, sweaters, and even backpacks.
If you’re looking to get an award, judges at hackathons care a lot about the pitch and the idea rather than the actual execution of the idea. Having an idea beforehand is also helpful, so you can spend your time focusing on the MVP.

Friends and Networking

chaitu65c: I think it’s definitely useful if you have two different friend groups: One dedicated to career and Non-Career Group.
Career Group - When making a friend group dedicated to career, try to be the dumbest person in the group, you’re definitely going to learn a lot from them as you soak up knowledge! Best ways of meeting friends who are career-driven can be through major specific orientation (actually how I met rishiss), courses, major related clubs, etc.
Non-Career Group - While having a group that motivates you for your career is important, it’s also important to have another friend group that can help you relax and to enjoy your time! A really good way to find these friend groups can be anywhere from your hall to General Education courses, social clubs like Circle K, fraternities/ sororities(if that’s your cup of tea) and others!
This is what has worked for us; no need to follow this exact format.

Resume

rishiss: Here are the few take-aways on writing a resume that gets through the ATS.

Searching for Internships

Searching for internships in CS is really different and harder from searching for internships in other professions. CS internship interview processes are often longer and much more technical on what you have learned as a CS major. We've prepped 2-3 months beforehand on CS concepts, whiteboarding, etc.

Timeline

This timeline primarily focuses on large, non-government/defense companies or competitive startups. This also assume you are applying for a summer internship.
August - September: Applications are opened to the public. Make sure to look out for positions and apply early, as most companies admit students on a rolling basis. A site that we used often is Apply.fyi. After applying, you may receive an automated (< 48 hours) invitation to complete an Online Assessment, consisting of multiple choice and/or coding questions about Data Structures, Algorithms, and Run Time Complexity. You will have usually 1-2 weeks to complete the assessment. Please that you may be rejected if you are not able to pass 90% of the questions on the assessment: Please also note that you may be instantly rejected due to things out of your control like years of experience, cancellation of internship, internal corporate issues, and more. Don't take rejections too seriously; just keep applying!
October - November: After passing the resume screen and the OA, you will be contacted by the company's recruiter for a phone screen. During the screen, you will probably be asked a few confirmation questions about your resume, sponsorship, years of experience with X, etc. and minor behavioral questions like what made you apply for this position, what are you pursuing outside of class, etc. You may also receive questions about your CS fundamentals e.g. what is a hashtable, whats the difference between a process and a thread, what is the runtime complexity of sorting a string, etc. As long as you're cool and confident (and not cringe/edgy), this part should be a breeze.
November - Mid January: If you made it through the two Thanos snaps, you will be invited to an onsite “Power-Day,” where interviewees attend 2-4 whiteboard interviews while being grilled on their technical skills and projects. Some companies make applicants go through a panel interview, where a team of 2-5 Software Engineers grill you on technical questions and your resume. You are often pampered with free travel, food, stipends, etc.
December - February: If you were deemed a good fit by the hiring committee, you will be extended an offer to intern at the company during the upcoming summer for 10-12 weeks. Remember, nothing is final until you receive an offer letter in your inbox. Some companies may also place you on a wait-list and offer you a spot if someone were to reject their offer letter.
For government orgs, defense companies, and smaller organizations, the recruiting season starts in February/March and usually ends in April and May. After applying online and passing the resume screen, you will usually be immediately pushed to an on-site interview. Most likely, you will be interviewing with your future boss/co-worker.
Please note that internships are not only offered in the summer, they are provided in the Fall, Winter, and Spring (rare) as well. The competition for these internships is usually lower, and the process usually starts 3-4 months beforehand.

How to get the Interview

Besides following resume tips, make sure to apply to as many places as you can. To get our first internships, we recall applying to approximately 250-300 places before we secured our internship plans for that summer. Also, if you do get ghosted, don’t take it personally, usually, university recruiters often spend so much time reviewing a lot of applications.
Other precautions to take to get noticed are to try attending career fairs if you can, you might be able to get an interview(worst case, free swag!). Other than that, try reaching out to upperclassmen or friends you know that interned and ask for referrals. It’s one of the best ways to get noticed!

What to expect

As part of the interview process, there’s 4 types of interviews that you should make sure you know.
Behavioral Interview: These interviews ask you questions about culture fit such as “Why are you a good candidate” and “Tell me about a time when you ...”
Coding/Technical Interview: These interviews ask you questions similar to what you see on Leetcode and Hackerrank. These interviews are designed to test your Data Structures and Algorithms knowledge.
System Design: System Design involves the interviewer testing your building to design a service/software and test your knowledge of understanding what things to use for the task and how you will integrate them together. You’re definitely not expected to know this and it’s not likely you’re gonna get asked this. Places that could ask you this are Unicorns, Trading Companies and Hedge Funds, and Big Established Companies.
Concurrency/Low Level Interviews: If the company’s biggest product involves low level principles such as networking principles and kernel stuff, there’s a possibility you can get asked this. Places that come to mind are hardware companies and trading firms.
Some companies may adopt only one of these interviews and some may adopt all.

How to Ace the Interview

It’s highly recommended that you look up the interview experiences that other students have faced so that you can potentially filter out companies with red flags and know what questions to expect. Common sources to search up on this would be Reddit (csMajors and cscareerquestions), Jumpstart (Relatively new portal for students), Glassdoor and maybe Blind (Aside from the toxic TC or GTFO culture, they do give good advice on interviews). With that said, here’s some advice we have when you approach each kind of interview we’ve seen.

Advice on Behavioral Interviews

Use the STAR method when describing your experiences. Being quantifiable with the impact of your actions will impress the interviewer.

Advice on Technical Interviews

Begin by reviewing your notes from the Data Structures and Algorithms class. Do not proceed further until you know how to implement these DS and As from scratch with the language of your choice(If you do know python, it’s recommended as there’s a lot of builtin features!). After doing so, we highly recommend a book like CTCI and EPI to gain a review on programming language details and your DS and As. Then, visit sites like LeetCode to practice real questions from major companies. A Facebook Engineer completed 600 LC problems and compiled the most important ones into a list here. During the interview, make sure to talk out loud about possible approaches and tradeoffs before whiteboarding. It is perfectly acceptable (often recommended) to ask the interviewer to ask questions about the problem and get clarification. Once you have an idea in mind and have talked about it with your interviewer, begin whiteboarding. While you talk about the final idea you want to use, write out pseudo code and comments about all the steps you need to implement in order to finish coding your solution. After that, start coding. Make sure to have proper function headers, syntax, spacing, classes/structs, imports, etc. After coding your solution, give a brief explanation and attempt to make it run with less space and in less time (if your solution is not as efficient as you think it can be).

Advice on System Design

These are somewhat hard to approach if you don’t have experience ever doing it. If you do have experience designing and building services in your spare time and as part of your work experience, definitely rely on your experience. An important thing is to definitely ask clarifying questions. There might be hidden requirements you didn’t think about that could drastically change the way you approach the solution.

Advice on Concurrency/Low level

Understand basic principles such as Processes vs Threads (A lot of people don’t know the difference!)TCP vs UDP and how to make an application thread safe. Other than that, it’s recommended that you familiarize yourself with basic OS concepts such as Deadlocks, locks that you can utilize to make an application thread safe, etc.

Searching for Full Time Jobs:

The big bucks.
The process for finding a Full-Time Job is usually very similar to finding an Internship. There’s three main differences are:
  1. Harder Questions. Ex: Google usually asks Leetcode Mediums to Hards + the special Leetcode Hard question that Google asks it’s applicants (they create a new one every year).
  2. More Rounds of Interviewing: For example, Microsoft makes interns do 2 rounds while New Grads do 4 rounds during the onsite part of the process.
  3. Compensation: Interns usually get an hourly rate and, possibly, a housing stipend. New grads, however, are given a yearly salary and, possibly, a sign-on bonus, stocks, and benefits e.g. health insurance, vacation days, etc.
The process for finding a Full-time Job won’t really change as much as finding an internship, but keep in mind that the bar is higher. This is probably the biggest reason why you should look into interning early; by getting an offer at the place you like, you don’t need to go through the daunting process of finding a full-time role.
Get as many offers as you can this time around, so you can negotiate and select the position, company, compensation, and location that works best for you.

Negotiation

Negotiation is a really powerful tool that you can use in the interview process, even as an intern. There’s a lot of guides to negotiation and we recommend Nick Singh’s guide (Look at his LinkedIn and newsletters) for more.

Final Thoughts

University is a probably the most important time of your life and a foundational block of your CS Career. Like any foundation, it must be sturdy and takes a tremendous amount and energy of time to develop. Take advantage of all the resources (like this one) you can get your hands on. Definitely learn from the mistakes people have made and make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
‘Stay hungry. Stay foolish’ - Steve Jobs
submitted by rishiss to cscareerquestions [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 12:46 Night_fox2515 Does she like me? But I'm dating someone! But I may like her???

Hey guys! I'm not too sure if this belongs here so let me know if it fits better somewhere else?(⚠️TW THIN MENTIONS OF ABUSE/SELF HARM, TW PROVIDED⚠️)
So theres this girl I know (14F) and then theres me (13F) and I think I might have a crush on her just a little bit. For the sake of privacy I'll call her butterfly. Butterfly and I met a couple of months ago when we still hoped the whole COVID thing would be gone soon and it would be fine. Since that time we've gotten really close, like straight girl best friends close, but obviously I'm not straight, and neither is she(I'm pansexual and she's lesbian). I feel like there could be something going on, but at the same time it can all be seen as platonic and I dont want to ruin a good friendship just because I misread signs. I was hoping that some of you may be able to give me some advice and figure out if she may be interested or not? Here are a couple things we've done that make my friends yell "SUS" at me... 1) one night she invited me to go roller skating at a rink and things got wierd... I had just got done talking with the rink rats and a really good song came on so she wanted to go skating. I tell her "I dont know... I'm still getting used to these wheels haha" and she replied "please~? I'll help you if you want!" And I didnt wanna squish the fun so I decided to join her. We started gaining some speed and she grabbed my hand and got me next to her. She looked at me with this sparkle in her eyes and just said "trust me" and stared going a bit faster and I yelled at her "NO WAIT YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME" she just laughed and lifted her arms up, mine following. In that moment I just felt... calm. And safe. Even though we were going faster than I thought we would all night. Even though there were people flying by us. Even though one of my other friends was there. It was so freeing. No parents yelling to slow down and the wind gliding through our hair. I looked over at her for a second, she looked back and said "What? I'm making a gay statement!" Shes such a dork. After that we slowed down a bit and then got off, but not before yelling "long live the lesbians!". Skater (fake name, my friend) ofcourse came up to us after and said "ooohhhh so you ARE dating?" And I had to practically yell to get him to stop... why is he like this. 2) one night we were having a sleepover and when she was watching YouTube she kinda mumbled "hey" so I turned and said "yea?" "Cuddles?" So I gave her cuddles. I still gave her some space because I didnt know what kind of cuddler she was, and I didnt want to make her uncomfortable. She just responded with "no, closer" so I got closer? So we were there just kind of cuddling I was falling asleep, which was wierd because usually I fall asleep around 12~? And because skater has to always be there he bursed in at like 9:45 saying "ooOooOoOoooOooo". Then I woke up around 11 and couldnt get back to sleep so I just kind of layed there. AND SHE KEPT ROLLING OVER TO ME! LIKE HALF ON TOP ON ME?! I panicked and didnt do anything. Idiot. Then when she woke up around 6:30 I was, ofcourse, still up and when she saw me sitting on the edge of the bed looking out the window she was like "what... are you doing?" In her morning voice so I replied "not much Haha, I would usually be making pancakes right about now so I dont really know what to do" and she casually just said "then come give me cuddles" like damn okay I can do that. Then at 6:45ish maya (doggo) needed to go outside so I took her out and while mymy was outside I went back to her room. She was just browsing reddit on her phone as per usual. Actually, the only reason I have this app is because of her and the click. Then when maya came back inside she was still whining and I said "walk?" And she did that happy thing that dogs do. So she and I took maya out for a walk. It was pretty chilly for florida like geez take a chill pill and I was out there in like... athletic shorts and a tank top lol. Then she just gave me her flannel? Okay I won't complain. I actually wore that thing for the rest of the day. 3) later that day we went over to my house to watch black mirror. While we were on the couch we were still cuddled up next to each other. Dont look at me like that I'm touch starved and emotionless, okay? 4) there was one time down at the park when we were in the gazebo and we were holding hands under the blanket that I had brought. I always bring a blanket down there haha. Shes also fallen asleep holding my hand there multiple times I'd say maybe 5 times? She also held my hand when we were driving back to her house from the pool, our hands were hidden under a pillow. 5) ⚠️TW ABUSE MENTIONED⚠️ one day we were at the gazebo and she completley broke down and told me about a lot of really personal things like gaslighting, trauma, abuse, etc. She didnt think it was abuse but it was 100% abuse no cap. 6) we've actually fallen asleep together multiple times like on the gazebo, on the blanket on the grass, on the steps of the playset, but she never does anything around anyone else. Like, it's all verry secretive. But maybe I'm overthinking all of this? And to make things worse, I was forced into a psyche ward and while there I met a good friend, then they asked my out 3 weeks ago... I said yes because (⚠️TW⚠️)they're prone to self harm and I didnt want them to hurt themselves or spiral, so now I dont know what to do because I dont want them to hurt themselves but I just dont like them like that... Any advice?
submitted by Night_fox2515 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 01:44 ChiTownSounds Bi-Annual Breakups & more (long AF)

Doubt there's any advice anyone can give but who knows....
I've (41m) been with my girl (34f) since September 2012. We met thru Plenty of Fish. In the YEARS I used the app, she's literally the only girl I ever met. I was coming off a 10 year relationship breakup, followed by a 5 year gap in which I couldn't get a date or even just a little hanky panky. So I was feeling very UGLY, UNWANTED and DAMAGED. Her and I clicked quickly! She had a 6mo old little girl and she told me she hadn't had any "contact" since having the baby. Hangout Video chats turned into "playtime" almost every call. So when we met for the first time IN PERSON, we got busy in the back of the van! I can safely say I was fully in love with her within a couple weeks! Well, about 6 months in, I had plans to come see her but couldn't. I had no vehicle at the time and couldn't borrow one. About two or so hours later, I got a vehicle, so I left immediately without warning. I parked in front and knocked on the door but no answer. I look in the window and I THINK I see two people scurry past. I think nothing of it but I knock again knowing she's in there. She comes to the door in a bathrobe with NOTHING UNDERNEATH! My eyes lit up! She leads me to her room, takes my drinks to put them in the fridge and goes to the kitchen. But I notice, it's been a while and I thought I heard a bang outside. So go out the room and call her name but she's nowhere to be found. I look out the window of the front door and there is a guy, running to his car from the side of the house! I found my drinks sitting on a chair near the kitchen, grabbed them and headed out the front door. She comes running out standing in the car door begging me not to leave. She said she'd gone on a date with him earlier. That made me wonder about how easily she gives it up. That's all it took was dinner? I'd just give 5 years of being a perfect gentlemen but couldn't even get a hug! Needless to say, I pulled off, letting gravity close the passenger door as I drove off. She claimed she wasn't sure if we were exclusive yet or not. We were telling each other "I love you" so I figured that was enough to determine how exclusive we were. After talking for a week or so, I forgave her and tried to move past it.
Maybe about 6 more months later, she told me she was pregnant. Still worrying about the person she was and taking the advice of my mother, we aborted that child. Still pains me to this day but at the time, I'd not known her very long and didn't wanna tie myself to a stranger for the next 18 years! I thought it was the responsible thing to do at the time. It's def something that drew us closer together. Maybe about a year later tho, we broke up. I don't remember the exact reason for that breakup, but within two weeks, she was with someone else. I was hurt and fearful that my 5 year stint was gonna repeat. So I sought her out and "won" her back. She made all kinds of promises that I realize now, she never intended on keeping (like a threesome with dinner lesbian friends of hers) but I was just happy to have her back. I literally went to this guy's house while he was gone and moved her and her things out and into my place. Since I had just moved back to Florida from Atlanta in July 2012, I was staying with my mom.
Things were good for a while. For the next year and a half we raised her daughter and grew closer. Admittedly, during that time, I got some attention from some women at the bar and that boosted my confidence! So much, in fact, that I made the same mistake she did. I slept with someone else. She didn't have anywhere to go so she stayed living with me and we worked thru it. But sure enough, after about two years of being back together, she left me and within two weeks was moved in with someone else.... Again. She claimed I didn't want to do anything. I wasn't working and we were just kinda stuck here. So she'd sparked up something else and left. It was so quick, I accused her of staying that relationship before she left but she denied it. But after about 2-3 months, I reached out and we rekindled AGAIN. So, AGAIN, I went and moved her out of THIS guys house and back into mine.
Now we're 4 1/2 years in and 3 guys later. I'm working for Netflix now making good money. I eventually buy my first "new" car and things are GOOD! She starts working too but quits her first two jobs over coworkers. It's frustrating but her and her daughter are feeling like my little family now. After about 1.75 years and finally holding steady work, she got her tax return. And like magic, she takes that money and LEAVES! My mother had been putting pressure on us to pay her more money and sent me a message basically saying "y'all need to go". So instead of giving her money out of the tax check like was planned, she took it and bounced. That pissed my mom off! She moved in with a friend for about a week but was moved in with and dating a coworker within two weeks. 🙄 Again. Just like last time, it happened so fast it's hard to believe that something wasn't being developed while we were still together. But because mom said WE had to go, I had nowhere to go so I moved back to Atlanta with my cousin. Weeks later, we decided to move to Vegas. He's a singe talented singer and I'd been working on him and his career since we were 18! Being in Vegas was lonely. Especially since I was always arguing with my cousin over little bullshit things. Me and his BF (YES, he's gay) were each other's support group since he's so difficult to deal with, and he didn't like that we talked about him so it caused friction. So I moved out of the RV we drove to Vegas and into a weekly rental place. Uber eats was just enough work to keep a roof over my head. But driving all day, in a city with no friends and always by myself, I couldn't help but miss her. We were SO GOOD when things were good and I felt if we tried ONE MORE TIME it could work. So I reached out. You know what happened next.
I couldn't move her out of this guy's house personally like before but she gathered all her things and her and my stepdaughter MOVED to Vegas from Florida! This was IT! NOBODY in our relationship. Only have each other! Our own place. This was the best it had ever been! I mean, even tho I still had my worries, this was the strongest our bond had ever been! Nothing could stop us! I was only doing Uber eats tho and it wasn't cutting it anymore. She got a job thru a neighbor at the weekly and began passing the weekly rent. Her mom decided she wanted to come too and drove my girls car (that I bought for her) from Florida to Vegas to come help us. She brought a family member with her. That was the first in a comedy of errors that proceeded. Her and my girls mom got to fighting almost immediately. She was going thru her own breakup, and just was begging a bitch to everyone. So my girls mom arranged with the weekly place to switch rooms. We move into the one bedroom with mom and she moves into the studio me and my "family" lived in. That was a Sunday. That Tuesday, she took my girls car and drove off in a rage over a fight and showed back up, car wrecked, saying somebody hit her and ran. Then two days later called an Uber, put all her clothes in a black trash bag and moved back to Florida with her ex. He'd been cheating but still bought her a plane ticket back. Leaving us with the payment on my old room which was still in my name. Exactly what I feared and even voiced that fear. 🙄
Thanksgiving comes and my girl is laid off. My car was in dire need of brakes, But instead of fixing the car, I used the $100 advance the Uber card gave me to make sure we have food and gifts for Christmas. I couldn't drive for two weeks cause I had no money for gas to get out and earn money. Her mom had money coming soon but I had to wait till then and ask for a full tank to go work. During that time, her mom got the idea in her head that I DON'T WANNA WORK and began doggin me to my girl. One week later she was on a plane to Florida and already had a place lined up to move into. There goes the help and a waste of money and resources. Since I couldn't Uber and I had no income, I was talking to my cousin again cause somebody GAVE him a restaurant on Las Vegas Blvd and he needed help getting it up and running properly. So I dedicated all my time to helping my cousin in hopes that it was the big payday I'd dreamed of since I was 18. My girl had gotten rehired at the job that laid her off so we were good on rent again now that the holidays were over. But we were behind, way behind. Her mom leaving put us in a hole that lasted months. We paid late fees every week cause every week we were paying for the previous week. We were blessed to have had the property manager work with us the way he did or we'd have been on the streets new years day! I was trying to make money but there was no money in a restaurant that nobody patronises. Try as we may, we just never made enough money to be paid, only buy food for they next day. That lasted all of a couple months before I had to take A REAL JOB. My girls boss offered me a janitorial position to come work with them and I took it. I tried doing both but I physically couldn't handle it. The new job started at 5am and I was at the restaurant every night past midnight with an hour walk home! So I told him I needed to go work. He seemed cool about it until I didn't show up for a week out of sheer exhaustion.
I should've learned my lesson about allowing people into our relationship but, c'mon, it's me were talking about. Her baby's father, whom I never had a problem with nor was he ever somebody I had to worry about her going back to, wanted to come "help" and in turn, help his daughter. School was about to start and with both of us working a 5am to 1pm job, we kinda needed help! He's disabled from a bad accident and wanted to use whatever benifits he got to help us and at the same time develop a relationship with his daughter. He has a bunch of kids and no relationship with ANY of them and looked at this as his last chance to have one. He was getting a monthly check, he had help to offer, so I agreed to let him come but on the caveat that he get his own place ASAP since he was qualifed for the government to give him one.
5 mins. No exaggeration... It took five minutes from the moment he walked in the door for him to start arguing with her about something petty. And for the next couple weeks, I spent my weekends "talking him off the ledge" about how shitty his life was and how he wanted to die. He didn't like the neighborhood we were in cause there was a lot of homeless nearby, but we'd learned to live with it. Then he starts on me. I don't know he was bipolar before he moved in but I figured it out very quickly. I overheard him tell his daughter that he moved to Vegas to "show you what a man looks like cause, Bibi isn't one". I'm Bibi cause that's how she pronounced Billy. I was heated. I was ready to beat his ass and put him out with the homeless. That's when we uncovered a ploy by him, my girls dad and my girls sister to KIDNAP my stepdaughter and take her back to Florida cause they didn't think she belonged in Vegas and wasn't happy. We called the cops immediately! Omfg, really? Luckily the job let me work a split shift. I stayed home to put my stepdaughter on the bus and then went to work. She was home by time the bus arrived and would walk her home cause we didn't want him to intercept and take her away.
All of this, as bad as it is, pulled is together tighter. We both got promoted at the job. We finally paid up on time and got to where we didn't owe late fees anymore. I'd see him from time to time when I'd pass on the bus home but that was it. He wasn't allowed on the property. Money was building up and the next tax check that came was gonna really set us up! But it was also the two year marker. Every two years we'd breakup. Right around tax time. So yes, a part of me was anxious. But things were great! We'd just had another Christmas and this one was without the bullshit. My stepdaughter got every gift she wanted. We felt accomplished as parents! Life was GOOD!
At the job, we'd made some friends. I knew guys were trying her, but I trusted her to handle her business properly. And as far as I could tell, she did. I didn't like how the guy who sold us bud was always in her phone but shrugged it off. I TRUSTED HER. THINGS WERE GREAT! She'd befriended a 21yo girl that drove the forklift. They worked closely so she would give my girl a ride home and they'd blaze. We exchanged gifts with her for Christmas, gave her advice about the multiple guys she was fucking (two worked with us) and even spoke of getting a place together, the 3 of us. Somewhere along the way, she told my girl something and thought she had repeated it on the floor at work. So she asked me if she could get MY opinion. Since I'm a guy and "think like them". I realize NOW why that is wrong, but at the time, I thought I was just giving the same friendly advice I had previously. I had no intentions of anything extra and neither did she. But, for the sake of not causing a problem, we had those conversations in Snapchat so they would delete immediately. This carried on for about 3 weeks when suddenly my girl gets very suspicious. My phone and social media had always been accessable cause I didn't have anything to hide. She goes in my phone and she sees a message from me that says "it's all gravy, baby" and took it ALL THE WAY TOO LEFT FIELD. I said it cause it rhymed, not cause she was my "baby". So the next day, my girl confronts her AT WORK and shit hits the fan! I hear what happened before I even got to work! When she saw me and tried to confront me, I told her EVERYTHING. Right there on the spot. Yes, we'd been talking bout about her and these other guys. Something she was fully aware of. I mean, this girl was fucking TWO at work but still hung up on her ex that had a kid with someone else 4 years into their 8 year relationship! I didn't want to get involved in that MESS! But at this point, my girl thinks we fucked but she just can't prove it. Why am I so dumb tho... Cause a couple days later, she posted A BUTT NAKED picture of herself on Snapchat. In the middle of arguing with my girl, I see the pic but don't wanna stare. I wanted to see! She had a decent body! So I screenshot the picture. I had little experience with Snapchat so I didn't know she gets notification that I did that. Well, that night, my girl goes in my phone and what does she find? 🙄 Fuck, now it looks worse. But knowing what I was actually doing and knowing that she was wrong, I became "a dick" and was more mad at her for embarrassing me at work in front of everyone. She accused me and immediately quit, so she didn't have to see anyone at work again!
The tax check was gonna be there any day now and at this point we've had it out with each other and brought up all our old injuries. Told her things I'd thought of but never said out loud, like the fact that she got a "Bonnie and Clyde" tattoo with one of the guys she left me for and had wings put on another for her first BF... and that it bothered me and sometimes slowed me sexually. Her mom had recently been diagnosed and told her she was "dying". I thought it was just another ploy by her family to get my stepdaughter back to Florida. So after I calmed down some, I suggested maybe she take the tax check and come back till her mom passed. She thought I was just trying to get rid of her. She took a weekend and came back to talk to her mom and that weekend sent my stepdaughter back to Florida. I lost it. I spent the next couple weeks dying slowly. This isn't what I wanted but I'd said some mean shit when I was mad. So she was set to go back to Florida and I was gonna stay. I wanted to try something long distance but she said "3 weeks and I'll have moved on from you", there was no saving it. Then I got fired for "leaving out the wrong door" at work. 🙄 Them bitches at the temp agency just didn't like me. Now I'm without work. , With no recourse, I decided to leave with her. We went out to dinner and spent that last month in Vegas like a couple, but as soon as we got back, she ghosted.
Turns out she'd started taking to someone back in Florida before we left and was already in something two weeks within getting back... Sound familiar? I didn't know it at the time. We got back to town AS COVID HIT! Literally got here and everything shut down. I stayed with a friend but no work meant I had to go, quickly. Mom allowed me to come back even tho she was upset at the way things ended two years before. I spent every waking moment trying to get her back.... Again. There was a guy (another guy) in her Facebook trying hard and I told him to back off. That upset her so she blocked me. She was already dating this other guy and had a second guy trying hard. I thought that was it! For the next 3 months, when the phone bill was due, instead of splitting it up, she remained on my account. That led to us talking more.
She was staying at her sisters and HATED IT! As you can imagine, with all the past I mentioned, that family is HARD to deal with. I begged and begged until finally she said "if we do this, it has to be done right!" So I put my tail between my legs and begged my mom to let her come back. She reluctantly agreed and they moved in June 17th. I bought my brother's used car and spent every penny of my stimulus check to get things right for US. She stated the weekend with her mom for the Fourth. I hated it cause it didn't feel right. So a week later, I go in her phone and what do I find. Messages to him about making it thru this and finally being together. She'd spent the Forth with HIM. THAT SHOULD BE THE END, RIGHT? No, I tell her, "look, now we both have something to make up for, let's use this to move forward." Then the weekend of Aug 19 she went to stay with her mom again to take her to an appointment in the morning. Why the need to stay the night? So I drive there in the middle of the night and find that my car isn't there. She took my car, left me with her kid and went and fucked this other dude.... Again... For the second time since moving hey back in June 17th.
SO WHY IS THIS GIRL STILL HERE? WHY DO I ALLOW THIS SHIT TO HAPPEN TO ME? There's some truth to the fact that, I'm getting older and still want at least one more kid. But that's not the MAIN reason I don't want her to go. It's the little things. Besides being a fucking LAIR everything else is great. Cooks, cleans, sucks, fucks, takes care of me! Starting over means I won't have one until I'm 45+ and that's just too far away. But do I wanna have kids with this girl? Can I trust this girl? I know that answer... But here I am, 10 heartbreaks later still chasing this girl. If I didn't fear being alone for the rest of my life, I might have left long ago.
Sorry, spent hours writing this and now she's home from work. So I kinda ended it abruptly, but that's where I'm at. There's a trust being built again. Neither of us have Facebook anymore. I also have her phone code to check it whenever, but if you delete it right away... 🤷🏽‍♂️ I dunno... Mostly venting cause I have NOBODY to talk to about it. All my friends and family are sick of hearing it. NOBODY knows that last part about caring her cheating TWICE since being back... I know what they'd say. 😭
Sorry it's so long, but that's my last 8 years of life in a nutshell!
submitted by ChiTownSounds to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.15 15:55 DippedinBronze I’m afraid of my Roommate

Edit: ((The creepiest thing is that someone just commented with an account that looks like it could be made by her! Her Reddit birthday was for the month I moved into this place. And all the subreddit she frequents revolve around the same hobbies and interest that my current roommate has. The user also had her name on her profile and it was the same name as my roommate
I made the mistake of telling my roommate that I love Reddit. But I haven’t shared my user name or which subreddit I use. I really hope that wasn’t her that commented. But I also wouldn’t be surprised. I feel bad because I had to block the girl who commented just to be sure...))
Thanks for the input everyone. You all gave really strong advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I wasn’t just being a bitch and that this situation is inappropriate all around
I moved in under unfortunate circumstances. I was basically on the run from my family. I have a stable job, good education, and solid mental health.. but I think I made the mistake of sharing this info with her.
I honestly was just naive. And shortly after, she shared how she grew up in a foster home because her parents were abusive. I thought we could be a safe space for one another. The apartment is cozy and is in a pretty decent area. She is also a college professor. I thought things would be fine. But I quickly realized I was wrong.
I’m my rush to get away from my family, I didn’t evaluate her clearly. I ignored the fact that she had a slew of roommates that moved out after a couple of months without notice. She spoke about this openly, harmlessly, as if she had no clue why it was happening. She claimed that her roommates never spoke with her when they lived here and would just ignore her. She blames it on her being overweight.
She couldn’t stop talking about how lonely she was when I first moved in. How she had no friends and no contact with family. I honestly fell for her story and blamed the others with her. I felt bad for her and over extended myself (again, this probably shows a clear lack of experience.)
But eventually, I started to catch on. It is not the others who are strange.. but her! She quickly began to show her true face, and BOY was it creepy. It started off with small annoyances.
*Staring at me obsessively whenever I wasn’t speaking to her and waiting around for me to speak to her. No matter how many times I interacted with her, it felt like I couldn’t satisfy her needs.
*Watching her lie about her 3 cats to her students and colleagues. That’s right, in our tiny apartment, she has 3 cats. And she lies and says she has 2. She even lied to me in the ad and said she only had 2. I was surprised she had a 3rd one but didn’t think too much of it. But til this day, I’m not sure why she lies.
*She HOARDS. Everything. Toilet paper (she has an autoimmune disease and therefore has blatter issues). Food. Books. Documents. A neighbor even sent her a very angry letter for exercising so loudly (she is heavy footed and we are on the top floor) and she stored the note. She hangs it in her room and even had the nerve to show it to me.
*The previous roommate who was here before me tried to warn me. I asked him why he was moving out and he looked to the side and chuckled then responded “great question” I should’ve caught on to this. He was in such a rush to get out that I was to move in the next day after video chatting with him and he was all moved out, without a trace that he was ever there. Apparently he moved out the night before. And he tried to call me that night but I didn’t realize it was him and missed his call. My guess is that he was trying to warn me once he was safe to talk. I feel really bad about missing this one
*She is extremely obsessive about compliments and continues to remind me of the kind things I say to her. (e.g. remember when you said my cat was so beautiful he could be a model? I say this to him everyday now!)
*she goes to bed at 6pm and wakes up from 3am to 4am. The whole time she is cooking a breakfast that should be dinner (usually a steak or pork chop or some weird shit). She is also incredibly quiet the whole time to the point where I had no clue she was awake. The only time she makes noise is when she hears me moving in my bed preparing to wake up. Then she will make excessive noise and begin unnecessarily touching her dishes and moving her chair to make more noise in the space.
*she is very impulsive! This is what scares me the most. She has quick movements and is jittery. She cannot sit down for long and often walks around the house in circles and just touches things and walks to another side of the apartment and touches something else. She will often talk to herself or her cat while doing this. (Admittedly, the behavior worsens when I don’t speak to her.)
*she does not like when I focus my attention on anything or anyone else. If I talk to her when my attention is undivided, our conversations are usually brief and polite. But when I am working, talking on the phone, or on my way out, she will often try to interrupt and have a full blown conversation. Ignoring any signs of discomfort or distraction. If I say I’m busy or I’ll have to go, she’ll often deflect by saying “really quickly!”
*she has tried to come into the bathroom several times while I was in it. The bathroom door doesn’t lock and I leave the faucet on loud so that she can hear if I’m in it. But every time she comes up with an excuse as to why she does it. Today she was jiggling the handle loudly and aggressively and I lost my cool and screamed at her. I feel awful... but it was so unexpected and I felt so unsafe. I asked her why she did it and she said she was disinfecting because she came from outdoors. I asked her why she felt the need to disinfect the bathroom door knob when she didn’t even use the bathroom yet. She chuckled and just said “okay” and walked away. I came outside and told her never to do that again, she put her head down and started walking in circles then ran into her room. I was fuming and kind of still am. And again, this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this.
*Then she hops on the phone with her therapist. (After the bathroom incident) And she only does this whenever I confront her about an inappropriate behavior... the strangest part is that she leaves her room door wide open even when she’s on the phone. She claims it’s so her cats can get in and out. But I think it’s because she wants me to hear her. She never uses the phone or texts anyone otherwise. The only person she talks to is her therapist. So I think it’s important to her that I see that she is speaking with someone. The strangest part is she talks about very simple things with her therapist. Only about her cats, corona, and her exercise routine. Which leads me to my next point
*she is obsessed with routine and very OCD like. She has done the same thing, worn the same clothes, and cooked the same things since I moved in. She is very picky about the dishes and demands that I wash them immediately after use. This doesn’t really bother me.. except when she cooks, she often will flood the sink for one meal. I’m talking about over 10 pots, bowls, measuring cups, utensils, you name it.. flooding the sink for one meal. And she will not clean it right away. I don’t blame her, those are a lot of dishes to wash for one meal. But she demands that I clean my dish immediately. Which are only 2-3 dishes because I tend to eat light and bake a lot. She also spends all day at her computer, sometimes video chatting with random people and the sink is directly across from her computer. So I can’t always wash dishes right away because of this. She refuses to turn her computer over because she likes the “romantic view of her window in background.”
*I once seriously confronted her and ask that we keep our relationship strictly professional. She is 20 years older than me and still acts way younger. She cried and said that she thought we were friends and that she told me things she never shared with anyone. She came closer to me and tried to physically intimidate me. I stood my ground. So then she went from tears to just nodding her head. It was so strange, like the tears magically vanished. Then she said as long as I pay rent on time, that’s her main concern. I agreed and we had a very peaceful business like relationship for about 3 weeks. Then she began talking to me again and wouldn’t stop. She tried to force her way back in by making the conversations revolve around caring for the apartment.
*she has shared that she has gotten randomly fired from jobs and screamed at by supervisors and asked not to come back. If she is so comfortable doing the things she does with me, I cannot even IMAGINE what she is like in a work setting. The good thing about her is that she is consistent, the way she acts with me is how she acts with everyone. And people’s responses to her seem to be consistent. Which goes to show me that she most likely cannot help herself.
*She binges. She eats more than 5 times a day. After she is done eating one meal, she begins cooking the next one. I am not being dramatic. She lives in the kitchen space. And I try my best to cook my meals when she is eating because she is very impulsive and will always jump up to grab something or cook something that always happens to be around me for some reason. She will often reach over my food when I’m cooking to grab seasoning or a snack or a utensil or something. But it often involves her touching my waist to “get around” me. It’s so creepy and I feel powerless because I don’t know what to say anymore.
*We haven’t been speaking as much lately because her behaviors have been worsening so I’ve been withdrawing. So now she puts a lot of focus on her health in attempt to guilt me into talking to her. Her current dilemma is that she feels like a ghost cat is brushing across her body when she sleeps and she thinks she is developing psychosis. It is so bad that I caught her sleeping on the living room floor in the pitch dark when I came back in. I tried my best to walk by her in silence but she hopped up as soon as I came in and told me she couldn’t sleep because of the ghost cat. She really looked like she was in distress. It was awful and awkward.
*She admitted to me that she may be bipolar with psychotic features. But she claims she was raised by a narcissists. (Ironically, when I first moved in, I shared with her that my mother was a narcissist and she responded by saying “you really love to diagnose people, huh?” I think it’s strange that months later she reveals that she was also raised by a narcissist... very very strange.) I think there is a lot more going on than she may be aware of
*She copies everything I do. She will stand and stare when I come in from grocery shopping and see what I put away, only to go out and buy some of the items I bought the very next day. When I moved in, she was vegan. She hadn’t eaten meat in 6 years. After cooking my first meal, she kept talking about how good it smelled and asked if she could taste a piece of my chicken. I was uncomfortable and said sure. Ever since, she has been a meat eater again and eats more meat than me. She will copy my body movements, my mannerism. It’s the creepiest part about living with her. And I think that’s what the excessive staring is about. She is probably trying to take what she likes in hopes that it will help her have an easier time socially? I kind of understand. But it’s still so creepy honestly
Speaking to her doesn’t help because she says okay or sorry and goes right back to the behavior.
I’m beginning to feel anxiety whenever she’s around. Like my body becomes tense and I just want to disappear. I have no back up. I am trying to save but it’s hard when I’m paying bills every month and have no financial support. As soon as I can move, I will. But for now, I really would like to have a better understanding of my options. It’s my first time renting from someone and I feel so powerless right now. If you guys have any tips or advice, I’d really appreciate it
submitted by DippedinBronze to badroommates [link] [comments]


2020.09.15 08:30 ThrowRAmutt I [25f] can't tell if my girlfriend [28f] actually loves me romantically or if she is lying, but she wants to get married.

I know the title makes it sound like I'm just having some insecurity issues (and they're definitely at play) but I do have solid grounds to wonder this. We'll call my gf 'GF', for privacy. This is a throwaway account, as my closest friends are getting married this week and don't wanna hear about my relationship issues, and my other friends can't be trusted not to tell my GF. This is wordy and complex and there's no clean tldr, forgive me.
GF and I are in a long-distance relationship (I am in the US, she is in Australia). We started out as online friends with a mutual creative hobby (writing partners) when I was 18 and she was 21. She has always been more intense than my other friends, or at least she used to be; Constantly checking on me, always wanting to talk, offering me support. She never admitted to having romantic feelings for me, and for the first two years I knew her she claimed she wasn't interested in romance at all. But she'd call me 'baby' and joke about me being her wife (knowing that I'm a lesbian). We met IRL for the first time for about one month of roadtripping when I was 20 and she was 23, and she'd hold my hand when he walked around and sleep in my hotel bed with me. Nothing sexual, but lots of psychical affection and pet names. She went home and the chemistry we had haunted and confused me; I finally broke down the following year and asked her what we WERE.
She told me she was in love with me but didn't know how to tell me. I was overcome with emotion; It was so romantic and I felt so strongly for her. She immediately arranged to come back and see me again, and we (being stupid and, I thought, in love) decided to get married while she was here. We went ring shopping and everything. But this didn't ever actually happen because, as we were spending time with eachother, I noticed a complete shift in how she treated me. Everything felt awkward and forced. She's not the most socially graceful (and neither am I), so I assumed it would pass. But it didn't. For the nearly two months she was there, there was no flirting, barely any touching, and no chemistry. We had a few laughs, but it wasn't like the first visit. She only complimented me once (where as I complimented her several times), and she did it with great and intense awkwardness, to the point where I felt less good about myself afterwards because it felt like she was forcing herself to make up a compliment bc I looked bad or something lol. Sharing a bed suddenly became tense, and I started sleeping in a guest bedroom instead of my own, so that she could have my bed to herself. Again, there was not one drop of sexuality or sensuality.
I finally broke down and talked to her about it, a few days before she was set to go back home. I told her that I felt like she didn't actually have romantic feelings for me, and mentioned how all of my attempts to create a 'A Mood' just made things horribly awkward. I told her that it didn't feel like we were in love, it just felt like we were friends trying to force more than that. She cried and I felt awful for breaking her heart. She went home and didn't speak to me much at all for the next year, aside from one very serious conversation where we talked about what happened and apologized to eachother. She told me at this point that she was pretty certain she was asexual, and that's why she found it hard to interact with me non-platonicly. She admitted that she'd never been sexual with anyone, or dated anyone, which meant she'd been lying to me about her sexual and romantic history since we met.
After the year (where I gave her space) she approached me wanting to rekindle our friendship. I agreed, as I had missed her so much. This went on for about six months. It was nice to have her back in my life, but I could definitely tell things were different. We no longer worked on anything creative together. Still, I figured that our friendship getting weaker was unavoidable considering the blunder that was our "relationship". She even mentioned that she had a another girlfriend now, and I tried to be supportive of their relationship and be a good friend to her. Until, on my birthday that same year, she suddenly messaged me while I was out with friends and told me she was in love with me still. I suspect the girlfriend she said she had either 1) was gone now or 2) never existed, and was just a ploy to make me jealous or something.
I was a mess. I couldn't focus on the birthday party at all. I cried and freaked out to my best friend/roommate about the situation, and how I didn't understand what to do and why she was bringing this up. It's not that I didn't love her or wasn't attracted to her; I very much find her attractive, and care for her deeply. But she had all but admitted to not finding me attractive and the such. But now here she is, saying she's in love with me and that she's done some soul-searching and realized she's a lesbian and that she's NOT asexual? She said her sex drive was just naturally low, and then her anti-depressants had destroyed it completely, and that's why she hadn't engaged with me. My best friend told me that if I still had feelings for her, then I should at least try to be with her. But I didn't want to keep putting time, money, and energy into a relationship that wasn't one, so I had a frank and serious talk with GF.
I told her that I want a sexual relationship, and that if she wasn't attracted to me or didn't want sex then we shouldn't date. She said she was attracted to me and wanted sex. I told her I didn't want to move to Australia (this had been the half-baked plan when we first tried to marry), because I have myself established here in the US and she still lives with her mother. I don't want to date someone on the other side of the world forever. She'd have to seriously consider coming to the US if she wanted us to be together. She said that that was fine, as she didn't have any strong ties to where she lived.
And after that... I was on cloud nine again! I was totally in love. We talked often, mostly reminiscing about old times and mentioning how much we missed eachother. My birthday was in December, and that following Valentines Day she came to stay with me for a week. I bought her flowers, redecorated my room, bought lingerie; I expected it to be romantic. It... Wasn't. At least not physically. There was a lot of romantic TALK, about feelings, but again nothing sexual aside from showering together where the most that happened was that we washed eachother's hair. And then, to make things worse, my roommate gave everyone in the house the Flu and we were bedridden for 4 of the seven days. We laughed it off as poor luck, and she went home with the promise to come stay for two months at the end of the year.
Again, I was excited for the longer visit. I figured that us having the Flu was why nothing progressed last time. But again... She visited for two months, and still no intimacy at all. Again, I had a talk with her about what was going on. I was making dinner and we discussed sex and sensuality and I brought up that I felt like she didn't find me attractive again. She told me that she did, but that sex just made her uncomfortable and nervous even if she wanted. I noticed her hands were literally shaking as we talked and tried to deescalate the situation; I promised her I would never MAKE her do anything and that I could work through any issues she had, and that she had no reason to be scared of me; I'm patient, I'm understanding, and I love her. We hugged and things felt better briefly. But she totally withdrew. The last two weeks of her visit felt dead. She'd sit on my computer and play videogames, and I'd lay in bed either watching her silently or sleeping. She'd been visiting me at work before (I work my shifts solo and can have friends hang out if I want), but she stopped doing that. It felt like she no longer wanted to spend time with me. And when it was time for her to go, I seemed like the only one bent out of shape about it. She grabbed her bag and went into the airport without even giving me time to get out of my car and hug her goodbye.
It's been almost a year since that visit, and roughly one and a half years since we started dating again. Still, there's no progress. My attempts to be sexual still lead to nothing. She sometimes will say something flirty, and she sent me ONE flirty picture, but my attempts to escalate that flirting were dead-ended hard. She doesn't talk to me much; I honestly speak to my other online friends waaaaaay more than her. And when we do talk it's very bland and safe, only rarely getting more funny and interesting. But I'm lucky if I get an hour of attention per week, and it's always audio-only, no video chatting.
In our most recent talk, I brought up my concerns. I mentioned, again, that I felt like she wasn't attracted to me at all and that it was starting to make me feel seriously insecure. And I mentioned that it's been two years since we started dating and she's made zero effort towards moving here. She promised she'd start making her moves, but that the pandemic is going to seriously slow down the process (which frustrates me, because we had a lot of time BEFORE the pandemic). And she swore she's attracted to me, but that she finds it hard to express and show that attraction. And, I'm not proud of it, but she started talking about marriage and wedding plans and I got swept off my feet imagining up this nice little personal wedding for us and dreaming about what our married life would be like once she was here with me. I got so excited that I felt like the whole issue was resolved and that I was silly to have been worried. I told all my friends about this wedding she'd encouraged me to dream up, and how it would be only another year or two until it happened. She'd promised me more attention, too, and when I said that I wanted us to share creative projects together again she seemed receptive.
But here we are again. It's been a month since that talk, and she still rarely talks to me. Everything is "all business" it feels like; we only talk about work briefly, and rarely do anything together. Our shared days off are Sunday and Monday, and normally we endeavor to do something together. Well, it's Monday night and we've done nothing this week. I tried to talk to her yesterday about what I did that day, but that conversation died off in just a few minutes.
I feel like she isn't in love with me, she just finds the idea of being married to me easier than being alone or living with her mom. I feel like she's lying about being attracted to me (I feel like she lies a lot about how she's feeling in general). I feel like she's using my love for her and hope for our future to distract me from our serious issues. She's always saying she's not at all concerned about our relationship's strength and future, and I believe that since I'm the only one who starts serious talks about our relationship... But I am worried. I'm very worried. I am scared to marry her and live out a passionless, sexless, empty relationship that only serves to be convenient rather than loving. But I care so deeply for her and she's the most serious relationship I've ever had, as my brief attempts to date other women were snuffed out by my encounters with her. I'm scared of having to start 'from scratch' with a stranger (or if there even IS a stranger that I can start from scratch with). And I feel like, with how I look and how my personality is, GF is the most attractive and sweetest person who could possibly want to marry me; I feel like I couldn't do better if I ended it.
I don't know what to do or how I should progress. Should I end the relationship? Should I talk with her AGAIN? Should I seek couple's counselling when it feels like we're barely a couple? I can't talk to anyone. I feel so lost and alone.
TL;DR (or an attempt): My GF says she's attracted to me and in love with me, but none of her actions have ever reflected this and we don't interact much. Talking about it frankly with her hasn't solved anything. What should I do next?
submitted by ThrowRAmutt to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.14 05:46 randomthrowaway58264 An Unexpected Conclusion [Coming Out]

Disclaimer that the main conclusion to this story happened a few months ago during summer, I have just now gotten around to writing this up...
So I’m gay, but I haven’t been sure for very long. I’m currently 15 but have questioned my sexuality since age 10 or 11, and I’ve pretty much known I’ve been LGBT since then. I’ve spent much of the last years inside my head, on the internet, and here looking for other’s info to help figure myself out.
I went years telling myself I was bi. I held on to anything that could clue into straightness in an attempt to have a reason to be closeted. In 6th grade I had the tiniest “crush” on a girl, but looking back I wasn’t blind and realized she was attractive and I liked her personality. I really just wanted to have an answer when the inevitable crush question comes up with friends. While closeted, many nights have been spent in my head debating who I am, if I’m in the wrong, and although never enough to harm myself I’ve had (let’s just say) very dark thoughts.
Fast forward to 8th grade. I’m nearing the end of middle school and I have a run in with a girl, reject her and feel awful about it. Later in the year, right before Valentine’s Day a girl who I’ll call “Beth” asked me to the dance. I accepted, knowing what I was in for since she has been crushing on me for years. The year before we had an awkward interaction at another dance (which involves me dissociating most of the time and ended with an awkward hug). We go to the dance, it’s fun albeit awkward and nerve wracking. And I go home. Within the next months of school we go out together, give gifts to eachother, hang out, try to be romantic, and so on. Nevertheless, something feels off. We are giving a ton of our beings to the relationship while not feeling much of the benefit. It takes us forever to even have a little cute kiss, and he didn’t go far in the way of affection. This relationship goes on through the school year and through my freshman year.
Near the end of this period, though, I reevaluate myself. Our relationship is nearing an entire year and I’m gripping with the fact I have dedicated a year to someone who deserves love, and was betraying myself in the process. We have our anniversary, go about our lives, all while I come to term with the fact that I’m gay. I wrestle with this, when do I come out? How do I plan? Who first? Is it easier just to end it all? How do I word it? Do I give an emotional speech? Do I just say the words?...
I build up the courage and wait for my sister to come home so I could tell her. The next day I tell my supportive aunt and they help me plan for when to break up. I plan a date, placed right after a major event for my girlfriend so I don’t mess with her stuff by doing it at a bad time. I feel nervous, but also reassured in a concrete plan. And then... Quarantine.
This completely derailed my plans. Now I had no deadline of when to finally tell that I’m gay. I spend a few more months batting in own head of what to do, I quarantine and spend some alone time to self reflect, I listen to Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda on audiobook for therapy and I wait it out while doing online school. Eventually, the school year ends and my family travels to our lake house. During the car ride my dad is asking me why I haven’t been talking to my girlfriend very much, and if we’re still together. My dad gets it from me that I’m breaking up and tells my mom over the phone when she asks. I avoid the question, telling her I’ll say why when I get there, and eventually we get there. My mom was already there, and was waiting outside to see me. She asks the a question along the lines of “why are you breaking up with Beth”. And I answer... “because I’m gay”. She immediately looks shocked, and tells me it’s ok, I get emotional and teary eyes, and inform the rest of my close family. First when my dad when he didn’t hear the first time, then my brother and his close friend.
Much of the night involves asking me my plans on breaking up, my family reassuring me and my mom worrying over grandchildren. I spend some time getting used to being out, while my girlfriend is still keeping contact with me over the phone. At this point lying is excruciating. But I have to wait to do it in person. Soon afterwards, I return home, and I plan to meet with her in person. My reasoning at the time being that it was my birthday and she was giving me a soft. We choose to meet outside my house, and in possibly the most nervous minutes of my life I await her arrival. She shows up, and gives me my gift. I tell her that I am gay, and at this point was shaking from nervousness and nearly tearing up. She ended up telling me how proud she was of me, although I didn’t believe her at first. We sit down in my front lawn and talk, about the end of the school year, memes, coming out, and so on. I asked her if she suspected, and she said yeah, as I really didn’t try to hide it very well. She also suspected that I was going to break up, so I felt some relief in knowing that I wasn’t catching her off guard. We have already came out to each other as bi, but she informs me that she is wondering if she is just a lesbian. So in the end we came out to each other.
Since then, we really haven’t talked. I’m awkward when it comes to reigniting conversations, and the summer had us separated from crossing paths. Over the summer she has put in her bios on social media that she is lesbian, confirming the irony of our relationship. She also has adopted a new sense of style and has been more open about herself online, and I feel really proud of her for doing so.
Now that the school year is back, I have told a few more people that I’m gay, and I’m opening up about it as it comes up. I hope that I can help myself be more confident within the school year, and be more social with others. I also hope to reconnect to Beth, and see if we want to stay friends, and maybe reconnect with people I have grown apart with. Along with everyone else, I feel somewhat robbed from a lot of my high school experience, but I hope now that I’m more open with myself I can make the rest of it a blast.
Tl;dr: knew I was not straight for years, but still ended up dating a girl for a year and a half. Recently, I have came out to my family and some friends, broken up with mentioned girl, and she has since came out as a lesbian. In conclusion, a lesbian and a gay boy unknowingly dated each other for a year and a half.
submitted by randomthrowaway58264 to LGBTeens [link] [comments]


2020.09.14 05:37 randomthrowaway58264 An Unexpected Conclusion [Coming Out]

Disclaimer that the main conclusion to this story happened a few months ago during summer, I have just now gotten around to writing this up...
So I’m gay, but I haven’t been sure for very long. I’m currently 15 but have questioned my sexuality since age 10 or 11, and I’ve pretty much known I’ve been LGBT since then. I’ve spent much of the last years inside my head, on the internet, and here looking for other’s info to help figure myself out.
I went years telling myself I was bi. I held on to anything that could clue into straightness in an attempt to have a reason to be closeted. In 6th grade I had the tiniest “crush” on a girl, but looking back I wasn’t blind and realized she was attractive and I liked her personality. I really just wanted to have an answer when the inevitable crush question comes up with friends. While closeted, many nights have been spent in my head debating who I am, if I’m in the wrong, and although never enough to harm myself I’ve had (let’s just say) very dark thoughts.
Fast forward to 8th grade. I’m nearing the end of middle school and I have a run in with a girl, reject her and feel awful about it. Later in the year, right before Valentine’s Day a girl who I’ll call “Beth” asked me to the dance. I accepted, knowing what I was in for since she has been crushing on me for years. The year before we had an awkward interaction at another dance (which involves me dissociating most of the time and ended with an awkward hug). We go to the dance, it’s fun albeit awkward and nerve wracking. And I go home. Within the next months of school we go out together, give gifts to eachother, hang out, try to be romantic, and so on. Nevertheless, something feels off. We are giving a ton of our beings to the relationship while not feeling much of the benefit. It takes us forever to even have a little cute kiss, and he didn’t go far in the way of affection. This relationship goes on through the school year and through my freshman year.
Near the end of this period, though, I reevaluate myself. Our relationship is nearing an entire year and I’m gripping with the fact I have dedicated a year to someone who deserves love, and was betraying myself in the process. We have our anniversary, go about our lives, all while I come to term with the fact that I’m gay. I wrestle with this, when do I come out? How do I plan? Who first? Is it easier just to end it all? How do I word it? Do I give an emotional speech? Do I just say the words?...
I build up the courage and wait for my sister to come home so I could tell her. The next day I tell my supportive aunt and they help me plan for when to break up. I plan a date, placed right after a major event for my girlfriend so I don’t mess with her stuff by doing it at a bad time. I feel nervous, but also reassured in a concrete plan. And then... Quarantine.
This completely derailed my plans. Now I had no deadline of when to finally tell that I’m gay. I spend a few more months batting in own head of what to do, I quarantine and spend some alone time to self reflect, I listen to Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda on audiobook for therapy and I wait it out while doing online school. Eventually, the school year ends and my family travels to our lake house. During the car ride my dad is asking me why I haven’t been talking to my girlfriend very much, and if we’re still together. My dad gets it from me that I’m breaking up and tells my mom over the phone when she asks. I avoid the question, telling her I’ll say why when I get there, and eventually we get there. My mom was already there, and was waiting outside to see me. She asks the a question along the lines of “why are you breaking up with Beth”. And I answer... “because I’m gay”. She immediately looks shocked, and tells me it’s ok, I get emotional and teary eyes, and inform the rest of my close family. First when my dad when he didn’t hear the first time, then my brother and his close friend.
Much of the night involves asking me my plans on breaking up, my family reassuring me and my mom worrying over grandchildren. I spend some time getting used to being out, while my girlfriend is still keeping contact with me over the phone. At this point lying is excruciating. But I have to wait to do it in person. Soon afterwards, I return home, and I plan to meet with her in person. My reasoning at the time being that it was my birthday and she was giving me a soft. We choose to meet outside my house, and in possibly the most nervous minutes of my life I await her arrival. She shows up, and gives me my gift. I tell her that I am gay, and at this point was shaking from nervousness and nearly tearing up. She ended up telling me how proud she was of me, although I didn’t believe her at first. We sit down in my front lawn and talk, about the end of the school year, memes, coming out, and so on. I asked her if she suspected, and she said yeah, as I really didn’t try to hide it very well. She also suspected that I was going to break up, so I felt some relief in knowing that I wasn’t catching her off guard. We have already came out to each other as bi, but she informs me that she is wondering if she is just a lesbian. So in the end we came out to each other.
Since then, we really haven’t talked. I’m awkward when it comes to reigniting conversations, and the summer had us separated from crossing paths. Over the summer she has put in her bios on social media that she is lesbian, confirming the irony of our relationship. She also has adopted a new sense of style and has been more open about herself online, and I feel really proud of her for doing so.
Now that the school year is back, I have told a few more people that I’m gay, and I’m opening up about it as it comes up. I hope that I can help myself be more confident within the school year, and be more social with others. I also hope to reconnect to Beth, and see if we want to stay friends, and maybe reconnect with people I have grown apart with. Along with everyone else, I feel somewhat robbed from a lot of my high school experience, but I hope now that I’m more open with myself I can make the rest of it a blast.
Tl;dr: knew I was not straight for years, but still ended up dating a girl for a year and a half. Recently, I have came out to my family and some friends, broken up with mentioned girl, and she has since came out as a lesbian. In conclusion, a lesbian and a gay boy unknowingly dated each other for a year and a half.
submitted by randomthrowaway58264 to u/randomthrowaway58264 [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 22:15 throwaway10104505 Confused

Throw away account because I’m paranoid. I‘be been with my male partner for 7 years and have been out to him as bi for the entire time. I’ve been questioning whether I really am bi or if I’m actually lesbian for a few years. Thinking about leaving him makes me really sad because I do love him, but I’ve been questioning whether I’m really fulfilled in this. He recently told me that he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore. My immediate gut reaction was to cling onto him and promise I would do anything to keep him. I’ve been throwing myself at him and trying to do things to improve our relationship but I feel really confused. I’m not sure whether it’s him I want to keep or the comfortable life I’ve known for 7 years. Every time I really sit and think about things, I come to the conclusion that it would be better to leave, but I’m so scared. He’s quite a bit older than me and I’ve never really been on my own. Our finances and belongings are completely intertwined. Plus we have cats that we would most likely split up because two of them don’t get along very well, but the thought of not seeing one or two of them again makes me feel so heartbroken. We moved away from my family a few years ago and I have a job that I really like and I love this city way more than where I’m from, but I don’t think I would stay here if I left him. I know if we broke up, I would only date women, which is another terrifying thought. I’ve never really had a girlfriend, and have only been with women as a part of a threesome with a man present. Also my family is religious and varying degrees of conservative, so I have no idea how they would react to me coming out to them. I never even came out to them as bi.
This is probably a jumbled mess, I just really needed to get some of this out of my head. I found this sub a week or so ago and I find it really inspiring to see how strong and brave you all are for trying to work towards being your happiest selves. 💖
submitted by throwaway10104505 to latebloomerlesbians [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 12:28 Demser1 A TRANSCRIPT Taken from an Owen Chat (includes a poor army veteran)

Army veteran: “Hey I’m just sharing some of my traumatic experiences & the shock I still suffer from.”
Bog 💩 bear: “Hey Hey let’s not over exaggerate your experiences especially in my chat but attention back on me because I really suffered the most because of my days as a hollywood extra was not easy & the money that was being made was not an easy thing to go through as I was interrogated constantly about my hopes & dreams in life & forcefully tortured for having to share what I was wishing to aspire to. I mean I deserve a medal for having to keep my homosexual porn hidden from possible whistle blowers. Now send me your veteran’s pension because I am humbly buying up more property than my 3 locations already & having to continue to ask for easy money by switching on a laptop.... ...I mean life is so tough for me & you try scanning YouTube everyday to find content & you want to crawl on here & spew out your problems of having to leave loved ones behind not knowing you will come back blah blah blah.
I mean let’s not give this vet anymore attention because I already feel people in the chat are actually interested in his stories in the battle zone. Well hollywood really is a threatening place to work in considering I couldn’t just walk off set to get a coffee at anytime & you try sitting around attempting humour when Adam Sandler & Vince Vaughn have more attention than you. It’s not fair!!
Army Veteran: “hey owen I’m just letting you know that I cant afford to send you any money this week.”
Bog 💩 bear: yeah that’s ok but we’ll just have to BAN you until you come to your senses next week then & when you come back into the chat, you will apologise & write me a letter & send your money order details to coddytin bears email please. WOW some people just can’t help themselves & if anybody else who wishes to express themselves in the chat then you also will be BANNED!!!
Bog 💩 bear: So where were we??
Pay-piggie bear: Hey bb you were telling us how much suffering you endured on the Weinstein’s casting couch!!
Bog 💩 bear: Oh yeah if you want the top role & not be just an extra like myself then you have to be prepared to handle 4 or more penises at once whereas I could only manage 2 at a time as I was still only a rising amateur... & more about myself & make sure you send those checks to Gig harbour WA because amy & I are considering buying her 4WD to fit our family or for when she takes the kids shopping every day so anyway back to how to spot a grabbler & don’t be fooled guys that every time you see a water fountain then know it’s all to do with squirting as you can imagine penis enis one eyed venus, venus anus which is a made up word meanus anus on the vein of a penis!!
Guys, the gravy is just flowing so effortlessly out of me that you should make sure to send me donations through my chats & coddytin will make sure you’re sending them....... but yeah babble babble flat earth.... the moon is not real.... people say I am the funniest person ever in history & up to date which sets an extremely high standard against any future comedian wishing to challenge me.... babble babble..... The FBI wouldn’t be watching me & have my property under surveillance for a possible future raid because they know that I’m really funny & that I am just a humble one of a kind male goat milker...
Another pay-pig but loyal bear: Hey bb, my wife & I just lost our newborn baby this morning 😭😭😭
Bog 💩 bear: Oh jeethuth I’m squirting, squirt squirt!! Righto you’re BANNED & anybody else who wants to make the chat about themselves & BAN !! BAN !! BAN !! & everybody who sent their condolences or started feeling sorry for someone who has clearly entered the chat just to make it about himself even though he is a loyal monthly subscriber.... well actually if he wants to come back into the chat then tell him to subscribe to uncircumcised TV & for him & his wife to send me a letter of apologies along with a generous donation.
Bog 💩 bear continued: You know Eddie Bravo doesn’t really know what he’s talking about when it comes to flat earth because unless you were at my live comedy event at the flat earth convention then you wouldn’t have had a clue otherwise & joe rogan thinks he tough but he wouldn’t be able to handle trans-powered giant like myself behind a dumpster.
Pay-pig & Uncircumcised TV subscriber: But teddy says you’re a sexy muscular alpha so why would you call yourself a trans-lesbian estrogen powered man?
Bog 💩 bear: Ok if you wanna challenge what I just said then you can just f#%€ off out of the chat now YOU F&#%^ LOSER, DO YOU HEAR ME????? YOU F&#% PIECE OF SHIT... F&%# YOU ALL, I’m just going to sit in my paid for sauna by you easily fooled money pots.
Private Chat: “Coddy make sure you get the credit card details of that loser & we’ve got an easy $300 a month out of that whinging army guy”
Coddy Bear: What about that guy who was crying over losing a baby & trying to impress you more than myself?
Bog 💩 bear: No I am still angry, I’m really pissed off that he would come into the chat with something totally unrelated to what we were all discussing but with him just make sure you don’t refund any of their donos even if they beg for it. Teddy makes it hard for people to unsubscribe & keeps milking them so I want out refund system to be an impenetrable fortress. Oi Ames, I’m just going to milk some male goats up behind the sauna so make sure the kids don’t come there....
submitted by Demser1 to owenbenjamin [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 02:52 slashednutt My Relationship ( Long )

I’m 20, my ex K is also 20 and we met for the first time at the end of year 11 ( I’m English but I live in Australia she’s an Australian, and year 11 is your second last year of school before you go to uni or tafe if you were wondering. ) K was dating one of my close friends at the time, they had been together since year 10. My friend was one of the first people in my friendship group to get his license, I used to live 10 minutes from his house, so whenever a group of us decided to go for a drive he would pick me up. Now I’m 5’7 and so is K, So whenever we would go for a drive me and her would sit in the back because we were the shortest. We became good friends, we started talking every now and again on Snapchat and when we came back to school for our final year, we were put in the same outdoor education class, so that meant we would end up going camping and rock climbing with each. Our friendship grew massively Over that last year of school. We called ourselves the golden besties as we got a 💛 on Snapchat because we talked so much. It got to the point where when we left school we started to get a little flirty. I should say that up until this point I was never physical attracted to her. I thought she was a nice looking girl but I was definitely thinking about other girls I liked the look of more. But after we left school I was being to fall In love with her looks but most importantly her personality, we could talk for hours, making eachother laugh and dreaming of our future, nothing felt off limits to talk about. I started to develop strong feelings for her, I started to think she was the most beautiful girl ever and I still do think that to this day. I loved being around her and anytime we weren’t talking I felt sad, I just felt so comfortable in her company and it felt like I was meant to be with her. But she was still dating my friend and I wasn’t sure if she felt the same way even though she flirted with me, and always wanted to talk.
A couple months go by and we are talking all day every day, sometimes till 4 in the morning. We both have our own cars and licences and we both are fighting back sexual and emotional feelings for eachother. She’s still dating my friend but she tells me she loves me every night and I do the same to her. We end up going for late night drives we’re we cant help but park and kiss eachother for hours. It gets to a point when it’s too hard for her, she’s still going round to his house but she only wants to be at my house. My heart and dick have taken over, I’ve never had a gf and I’ve never had sex before so I’ve given up caring about my friend and his feelings, I just want to be with her so bad at this point. She decided to break up with him and that night she comes to mine, we had sex and we cuddled all night it was a amazing night in a fucked up way. But now we have a new problem, we can’t just come out as a couple our friends will hate us. So we decided to lay low for a while and just act like we were not talking to eachother in that way. This worked until I got really drunk one night and I got called a virgin by two of my loud mouth friends, so what did I do, I told them that I’m sleeping with K, they then go off and tell everyone and that really fucks things up. I’m now getting people messaging me to come to the city to have a smash, I’m getting called by people saying there gonna fuck me up if they see me. So I go into hiding basically, I lost my job as a delivery boy at dominos so I sold my car, and now I don’t want to be seen out by myself and definitely not with K.
So for the next 2 years together all we did was hang out in my room or go for a drive up the costal road or to McDonald’s. We had no dinner dates, no movie dates no nothing. I didn’t even let her meet my parents, because in my head if she met them, then that meant people might find out about us and try hurt us again. It’s so stupid I know but I was just so paranoid. K would ask that we go do normal relationship things she would even cry sometimes, but I would just convince her that if she sticks it out a little longer we will do those things but I never had any intention of changing. The boy she fell in love with was gone, I was no longer a happy person, I didn’t make funny jokes anymore I didn’t tell her about all the things I wanted to do with her. I became blunt, rude and I neglected her. I would make rude jokes and then wonder why she didn’t laugh, I would wonder why she was so depressed all the time and why she constantly asked if I loved her. We still had happy times every now and again and the sex was great, but the relationship was never going to work because of who I had become and how it started. I should say that the whole 2 years we spent together I had no job. The only time I had money was Bday money Christmas money and the money from selling my car. I had 3k in the bank but I would sell some old clothes and then go buy myself new ones, then tell K I couldn’t go out because I have no money. I would say I don’t want you to buy me dinner or movie tickets because the boyfriend should buy the food and tickets so that’s why we can’t go out, but then I’d be happy for her to buy me lunch like a subway or a McDonald’s or a Krispy Kreme because we could hide away in the car. Looking back I hate myself, I’m out here buying myself new shoes and clothes like an asshole and I couldn’t just go to see Star Wars with her and make her day.
K loves her plants so she decided that she would go to tafe and go do a course in horticulture. ( working with plants and stuff ) I thought this was great idea for her because it’s something she loves. So while she’s off doing that I’m just sat in my room playing 2k doing nothing with my time, Im not facing my problems because I didn’t think she would ever not love me and leave me. I was happy abusing her love and her caring nature. It’s at this point she tells me about her new friend A form tafe, she’s a lesbian and she’s become good friends with K. One night K asks me if it’s weird that A is flirting with her all the time but I say no it’s fine don’t take any notice of it.
Now some more time passes and she has just been round my house the night before, we had sex we cuddled all night watched a movie every thing seemed normal. She goes home sends me a message saying she loves me and how fun the sex was and goes to sleep. The next day she says her mum and step dad are going away for the weekend I should come over. I think great id love that. We can spend the weekend with eachother and no ones around. The day before I’m meant to go she sends me a message while she’s at work. It says we need to talk I don’t think I can do this anymore, my heart drops I’m thinking I can’t be on my own I can’t not be with her I need her. She picks me up after her shift and we have a conversation and we’re both crying. She say it’s too hard for her she just can’t do it anymore and she needs some space because she’s got some stuff going on. I ask if we can still talk, so she like yeah but not all day everyday. So now we talk like 2 times a day and it’s only because I’m the one messaging, this goes on for about a month and I ask if I can please see you. She says she doesn’t know if she can see me, but I get her to finally tell me what’s going on and she says that she’s developed feeling for A and she doesn’t know what to do. I beg to see her that night but she’s going out for dinner with her tafe friends, that night she posts a picture of A on her Instagram and I go crazy. Not angry crazy I go so sad I love you so much crazy and I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t eat I was fucked up. The next 2 days I spam K with messages about how I love her and all the things I want to do with her, but it’s just pushing her away. I’m at a tipping point, the pain in my chest is too much and I get her to agree to see me, I tell my mum and dad this whole story I’ve written down. They don’t tell me it’s going to be alright she’ll come back but they do say it’s alright this stuff happens and it’s apart of growing up. They both comfort me and make me feel better about the situation.
So I go on a car ride with K, we have a long conversation it’s goes form 8:30-12. We cry we cuddle we kiss, and even though it was sad I still felt so good when I was with her, we both didn’t want to leave but we both new we had to. She told me on the car ride she didn’t want to jump into a new relationship, but as you’ll find out it seems like she has. About 2 days after we have broken up I get a call and it’s a job, I tell K and she was so happy for me she called me out of the blue later that night, and we had another conversation from 9-12:30. The last time I saw her was a week after that phone call. She had jury duty so I told her to tell me how it went, she ended up picking me up and we get a donut. We cuddled out the front of my house for 30 minutes, we both said we missed eachother but again we need time and space to grow. It’s at this point a day later I had the big brain idea of buying her a jumper that she always wanted but it had sold out. My thought behind it was, I want to be nice to her after being so mean for so long, and I thought she might appreciate it. I didn’t think it would get her back but I did think it might make her think nicely about me. I found one in her size and had it ordered to my house, I then thought I can’t just drop off the jumper I should write a letter, but hope she knows the two are like separate things. One is me being nice and one is how I feel and my apology. I wrote a letter saying how I’m sorry for how I was, I told her that I’m doing things to try change and I told her that I’d love to go out and do the things we never did. It took a week for the jumper to be delivered, so once it arrived I wrapped it up and took it to her house while she was at work. I gave it to her step dad someone I had never met and I intoduced myself to him, I told him it was a surprise gift for K. This was obviously a mistake because one week later after I dropped the jumper off at her house she came by with A and dropped it back off at mine with no note, she didn’t even knock on the door to give it to my mum. She just left it at the front door and walked off smiling with A my mum told me ( she was watching through the window ) I was obviously heart broken again. So I decided that I would take it back to hers the next day. I made a snapchat video saying that I just wanted to be nice and get her something she always wanted and I always wanted to get it for her but I never could. I said if she doesn’t want to talk to me ever again just send a message saying goodbye and then if she does want to talk in the future just don’t respond to my video. Now I don’t know if she just skipped through my video or if she watched it the whole way through, but she never responded so I took that as she does want to talk again in the future. Another week goes by and I post a picture on my Instagram about something I did at work, 20 minutes after I posted my picture she posts a picture of A, the next day she posted another picture of A and this time it had a caption. The caption underneath is loml ( Love of my Life ) this breaks my heart the most. I feel so sad because she told me she wasn’t going to jump straight into a new relationship and 2 months ago she was calling me the love of her life and it’s only been a month since we broke up.
It’s now a week on since the loml photo was posted and I saw her tag A in a post on fb last night. The tag was a picture of a dog taking up the whole bed and the owner was falling off the bed, K had tagged A saying your the dog, that made me sad. I’m struggling seeing her so happy and moved on with A. I don’t care that she’s a girl because you can’t help who you love, doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl. I just don’t know how she moves on so fast, she did it to my friend to be with me and now she’s done it to me to be with A. I want her back so bad but I also want to move on and grow as a person, it’s so hard. I’ll be all happy and then I’ll be super sad and it constantly like that all day, I wake up every night at 3 or 4 am hot a sweaty and sad, I can’t get her out of my head. I’m not sure if I miss her or miss being in a relationship. I know if we got back together we could go to all the things we never did. I want to take her out to meet my family and I want to go on trips with her but it’s too late. I tell myself it will be alright give it a couple months to a year and you two will be together again, but I know that’s super unlikely and not a good mind set to have I can’t wait around for her. I can’t help but feel she’s only with A because she’s giving her the love she craved form me, and if I was better we would still be together. I don’t know if her and A will last forever K seemed too into me and my little man downstairs to just switch to the other side, but I guess you never know peoples true feelings. I want to move on but I love her so much, it kills me seeing her in someone else’s arms. I guess I deserve this because of how i treated her and what I did to my friend. I hope I’ll be with her again one day, I feel we still have some life left to live with eachother. Everytime I go out clubbing I get sad because I want to talk to other girls but I feel so unattractive, I just miss and think about K while I’m in there I just want to take her out onto the dance floor and sing and dance with her or if she’s at home while I’m out I want to message her funny videos of me drunk. Every place I go I think about doing things with her, it could be I’m just at nandos and I’m just thinking I want to have one with her or I could be on a walk and I’m just like I wish I was walking with her. I can’t even look at plants anymore or golfs ( she drives a golf ) I know the relationship needed to end, because it was never going to change, we would both just be sad if we kept going. It just sucks because I know I can be what she always wanted me to be, and it’s hard to see that she’s already moved on.
I’m trying my best to think of life with out her but it’s just difficult. I didn’t just lose the girl I love the most I lost my best friend. I’m hoping for the best but I’m prepared for the worst. I know that if we’re meant to be together then we will find our way back into eachother arms. I feel there is still love in her heart for me but I’m going to leave her alone to do her own thing. I want her to be happy in life and I’m prepared to leave for good if that’s what it takes for her to be at her happiest, I just hope I can be happy myself while doing that. I’m going to try work on myself so I don’t let this happen again and become a better version of myself. And at the end of the day I’m only 20 I’ve got a lot of living still to do hopefully. Im quite confident that we will be in eachothers lives in someone way either as friends or partners just not right now. If by any chance you see this K I love you Bestie, and I wish you nothing but the best take care 💛.
submitted by slashednutt to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 01:52 desert_rose_341 Polyamory has rarely been kind to me.

I supposed I should begin by saying, I am neither mono nor poly. Any time I say I am mono, I feel constricted. When I say I am poly, I feel uneasy. I have never been in love with more than one person at a time, and by this I mean, I have never been in reciprocated love with more than on person at a time. When I fall in love, I fall with certainty. I am not sexually attracted to many people. Gender doesn't matter, there's just... a thing about a person. I can't really describe what it is because there are numerous things... their gait, finger shape, personal style, attitude, voice, pheromones, interests...there's not a "type" though I do see patterns.
When I say polyamory has not been kind to me, I'll describe the situations I have been in.
My first experience was when I came out as pansexual and kinky about 5 years ago. I had been a lesbian serial monogamist prior to that and didn't really have any issues except, I started to become attracted to cismen again. I realized then that perhaps ethical non-monogamy or polyamory would be something I need to understand.
I met a guy online (kink site). We planned out a scene. He's a poly dom local who I realized later loved poaching the newbies. I was okay with it though because I got what I wanted, he got what he wanted, and it was exhilarating. He and I became friends but didn't scene together anymore. One day, I asked my FB friends if anyone had a TV they wanted to be rid of. He messaged me and told me to come and get it. When I arranged for a pick up, he alluded to the fact that he'd like something in return. I didn't even reply. Gross.
My next experience was with a super sweet queer dom guy. He was single at the time, lives an hour away, and he didn't drive. I fell really hard for him. We had SO much in common and we got along great. A week or so after we realized our relationship was more than a kink dynamics, he tells me that he's going to look for another relationship. Since I was new to poly and kink, I felt really insecure about how it was going down. In hindsight, I should have trusted him, however, in the moment, we weren't really doing a good job communicating about my issues. I broke it off and he's still a friend.

After this, I just kinda became solo poly but never really entered a relationship. I'd have sexual partners who were poly and I dug it. After a couple bad experiences in hookups with a couple poly dudes, I realized that casual sex is not for me.The experience that led me to that conclusion was due to a poly cis man who had several partners. He came over to my house, kissed me, and all I could smell was pussy. I was like, "DUDE. Have you eaten pussy recently? Do you KNOW what a shower is?!" That was the end of that. I am repulsed by people who do not brush their teeth or understand (poly) hygiene. I guess I didn't take enough time to get to know him because that one traumatized me for a bit. (I have some deep knowledge in forensics. The molecular world is something I think about every single moment of every day.)
My needs grew over time and I realized that, trauma aside, I very much prefer an emotional connection before I get into sexy times with someone. I like the slowburn of getting to know a person. I haven't been with anyone other than cisdudes since I came out as pan and most of my friends think that's the problem! haha.
So many of these people were met off of OKCupid, which I generally find to be awesome for connections but I haven't had much good luck over the last 5 years.
Now, this year, a few weeks into the early stages of this pandemic (end of May), I met two super cool poly dudes. One was someone from my past who I have crushed on for a couple years and his marriage had opened up about 7 months prior. The other guy is a super cool and sweet dude who has been poly for a while but I wasn't sure we had much in common. My crush and I were hitting it off and we decided to just sit with ourselves for a while since he was figuring out the marriage/poly thing too, so I told the sweet dude that I'd like to just be friends and he was cool with it because he didn't think he had the time for me anyway. fast forward to now, he doesn't :(
My crush, we'll call Z, we hit it off pretty damn well. It was a love at first sight thing about two years ago and then again as we remet. There was always just this feeling with us. We began dating but things became very clear very quickly that the open marriage was not his choice and so he was reacting to polyamory instead of...choosing it. He begged me to be his partner and I declined until I could really feel comfortable. We spoke about what it means to be a partner. We discussed our future, what poly looked like with his wife, with his daughter from a previous relationship, and with his girlfriend (who he claimed was toxic). We did a lot of emotional and mental work together. I knew it was a lot to undertake at the time but fuck, yo, we're in the middle of a pandemic. How else will I use my psychology degree? I thought we were really getting somewhere with all of it. He really loved my insight. Long story short, I had to leave him. I didn't want to but with everything else going on, my boundaries were NOT respected. My time was NOT respected. My mind was NOT respected. My body was NOT respected. (again, we had some oral hygiene issues here along with poly hygiene issues like lying about changing bed sheets between sex partners, mismanagement of other relationships).The final nail in the coffin was when he toyed with me about monogamy. He said that if I could make it three months with him so that he "could see this polyamory thing through" that he'd leave his girlfriend because she was toxic and that if he couldn't accept his open marriage, he would choose the mono life with me. We discussed what that would look like, because again, I'm not exactly mono. We talked about why we would choose that life instead of just being poly. We talked about how I really only want one person to be with romantically, but that ENM would be nice in terms of kink dynamics and group sex. We talked about what happens if either of us fell in love or wanted to be with another. I thought it was a pretty good talk. I felt we were on the same page.
We weren't
This has kind of turned into a rant about Z, but man, that relationship was intense and it crushed me to walk away. I know I have some mono conditioning going on but aside from that, I have studied the philosophy of love ever since middle school and we had IT... that thing, that certainty, that familiar feeling. I wanted to nest with him. To marry him. To be partners with him. It was all so effortless, even the hard talks. Watching him fall apart over his wife was hard but man, it was SO easy to remain objective and support him through that. I have only ever felt really polyamorous in those moments where he and I talked about his marriage and how to navigate these hard issues. I told him that I was 100 percent on board with whatever it took for he and his wife to get it together. It was everything else I couldn't deal with... the girlfriend (who is likely only toxic due to Z's behavior), him pursuing other relationships/sex while his current three weren't even okay, his lying and games, hygiene....
I don't know what I want from this post. To be exorcised from this pain would be nice. I know I have more exploring to do but how in the fuck do you meet people who not only take care of themselves, but know how to care for others? I find myself feeling wary of polyamory, of cismen, but I don't want to make choices in fear. Please be kind and open minded before commenting. I'm sensitive, lol.

submitted by desert_rose_341 to polyamory [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 16:11 ThrowRA_three I (28M) suggested a threesome to my girlfriend (24F), and things have gotten out of control since.

To preface this my girlfriend (Tomi) is an absolutely cool, rad and chill human being. I have known she is bisexual since we started dating years ago and (quite clearly) had zero problem with it. She's a free woman and I don't at all want to impose on her, but I feel like both she and I have been manipulated and I don't know what to do.
Tomi and I have been dating for three years now and our sex life has been wonderful. She has only ever dated men, but she did let me know she was also interested in women and we often would check them out together and joke around about finding our own personal unicorn. All in all it seemed like harmless talk until Delilah (22F) came into the picture.
Delilah is an out lesbian woman who started to work at the same place as Tomi a few months back. She is, unfortunately, extremely attractive and it seems like both Tomi and I were taken it by that. I made the mistake of mentioning Tomi was bisexual to her when she was over for drinks one day, and things kind of snowballed from there. We were all pretty drunk at this point and the talk was getting raunchier, and at some point I outright said I'd be down for a threesome if Delilah ever felt like exploring her limits with the both of us. She seemed unusually interested in this.
A few days later I get a text from Delilah asking if I was serious about the threesome. It was at this point the man downstairs took over and I agreed to a number of things I perhaps shouldn't have. Delilah told me that as a strict lesbian she felt a little nervous being with a man for the first time - would I mind if she were to get to know Tomi a little more first? I agreed that sounded like a good idea, but after sending that she never really said anything more. I didn't actually know she and Tomi had slept together until I came home to her and Tomi sitting on my couch in their underwear up in each others business which was the first red flag.
I was extremely upset when I came across them but the two of them (mostly Delilah) shamed me for it and pointed out Delilah had said she wanted to get comfortable with Tomi first, and she didn't feel comfortable with a man watching and it was something to be taken slowly. Basically I was gaslit until thinking I was a piece of shit for ruining what was going on and demanding to be a part of things immediately. We came to an agreement that I would avoid coming over while Delilah was around so things wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Yes, I know I'm an idiot.
Delilah has been over more than a few times and whenever I bring up to Tomi that it seems like she is just coming over for her and that no threesome is on the horizon she gets mad at me and tells me it was my idea and I have no right to rush Delilah and that I agreed to this. Things came to a head yesterday when I returned home from work and was outright told to go out for a few hours because Tomi and Delilah had plans. It wasn't even like they were already together and I happened to walk in, I was just told to leave so Delilah could come over. I stood my ground and was basically told by Tomi that I could leave now or she would because trying to insert myself in her sex life was controlling and weird and she wasn't going to put up with it.
I love Tomi and she never has acted in this way before. Basically, a lot of other things have gone on and one of her only friends right now is Delilah who I think is feeding her a load of bullshit and demonizing me. One of the main things Tomi was bringing up was that Delilah is her best friend at the moment and that it wasn't fair for me to be lurking around the corner waiting for sex while she and her talked personal life and that it was making them both uncomfortable. I think Delilah just wants one thing but she's not hearing it. I don't know where to go from here or how to try to have another discussion if all she does is get angry at me. I've been thinking of maybe writing a letter listing how things are making me feel right now and what is wrong with the situation, or maybe trying to speak to one of her old friends about Delilah and seeing if they can get through to her she's been used. But I don't know if that's a terrible idea or not, which is why I'm turning to reddit. Where should I go from here?
submitted by ThrowRA_three to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 02:11 Zendelli222 My long time crush turns out to be a lesbian

I've been crushing on this girl who work at publix since last year and today I found out she's a lesbian. And It's crazy how I saw all the signs after tho I should've known by the way she walks, the tattoos on her arm and she also got dreads. I feel like I've wasted all these times daydreaming about taking her on a nice date then bring her over to my place only to find out she's not interested in men. Life sucks man I don't even know how to cope with my feelings rn. She been staring me for a while but I couldn't tell if she was interested in me or was it the fact that I'm 6'10ft. Yeah man she ruined my day and I don't know how to move on. Imma have to ask her coworkers if she's really gay because this don't sit right with me.
submitted by Zendelli222 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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